Gintama -X-
by TheEvilKoala
Summary: "Is it too hard to understand? Since it's a fanfic, we can do things we're not allowed to do in the anime." Sougo glanced to Kagura and smirked. Gintama* (yes -X- is a *), pronounced Gintama Pointer makes reference to Gintama, but diverges somewhere in the Final Arc. There's no space in the summary to explain what it's about, so you'll have to read to find out! **wasting space** :p
1. Copyright

**Copyright**

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A/N: Thank you for caring enough about Copyright Laws to read this chapter. This is probably not useful for any legal purposes, so it's just here to take up space. It used to be longer.

 **Copyright:** **The Author does not own Gintama or its characters. They belong to Sorachi-sensei, except for the OCs and the OOCness.**


	2. XXX Arc - Lesson 1

**[XXX Arc] Lesson 1 - One plus one equals two**

.

The sun rose over the Kabuki district and washed the rooftops in glowing orange. The neon lights of the nightclubs had faded, but the crowds of the marketplace had not yet woken. For a brief sliver of time, the streets were silent.

Sougo stood on the roof of a rundown building with his hand resting on the hilt of the katana at his waist. His Shinsengumi uniform fluttered behind him, a black silk vest and jacket lined with gold trim.

In one year, the people of Edo had rebuilt their city from the ruins, every shiny skyscraper and every dirty alleyway. It was as it had always been, as if nothing had happened. But then again, everything always goes back to normal in Gintama.

Kagura pulled herself up the stairs, still dressed in her pink pajamas. Her hair, the color of candy apple, stuck up in places like a bird's nest. She stepped onto the roof and rubbed her eyes.

" _What d'you want, sadist?_ " She squinted at Sougo's back. "You call me all the way out here, you better have something good to say, yes?"

"Do you remember?" said Sougo without turning around. "It was in this building that we pooped and barfed side by side in the Rokkaku Arc."

Kagura let out a long yawn, but Sougo continued. His voice sounded monotone as if his voice actor had forgotten how to act.

"Ever since that time— No, long before that. Ever since that day when we played rock paper scissors under the cherry blossoms, I've always... I've always..."

A gust of wind rattled the metal railings. His mouse brown hair became slightly messy in the breeze.

"I have never known another girl as strong and kind and beautiful." Sougo flipped through the pages of his script. "And this and that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

"Oi, why you being so OOC?" Kagura picked her nose with an annoyed look on her face. "You're just acting like that 'cause we're in a fanfic, yes?"

"No, that's not it."

Sougo spun around to face her with a smile as warm as the morning sun. His eyes gleamed without a hint of malice, as close to innocent as red eyes could be. He seemed almost childlike. It was hard to believe that the soul of a sadist could exist behind such an angelic face.

"China— _Kagura-chan~_ , is it too late for me to tell you?" He held out his hand to her. "I have always loved you."

He appeared to sparkle under the golden light as the dewdrops sparkled on the sparkly sparkly roses in the background.

Kagura bent forward and puked.

Sougo stared at his hand, covered in mosaic. His face remained a mask of calmness. He only raised his brows a little.

He patted her on the back as he'd seen people do to help someone who was vomiting.

"You okay? You okay, now?" he said as he _wiped his hand on her clothes_.

Kagura stepped away from him. The sadist who had never said a kind word to her was being _nice_ all of a sudden. Either the Author sucked at writing in character, or...

She narrowed her eyes at Sougo in suspicion.

"Who are you, _huh_? There's no way you're that sadist." She glared at him, her lips puckered like a gangster. "Did your voice actor pick up the wrong script, or something?"

"I don't have a voice actor," said Sougo dryly. "We're in a fanfic."

"Then is this some kind of Soul Switch Arc? Don't tell me you're that pedo-feminist in disguise. Did you get bored of pretending to be that angsty one-eyed guy and became a Super Sadist?"

Kagura pulled at his cheeks, trying to rip off the disguise he had to be wearing.

Sougo pushed Kagura away with his palm over her face.

"That's strange," he muttered to himself. "You should be signing a contract to be my girlfriend by now. Maybe this doesn't work on idiots."

He took out a book from his coat pocket, titled: _Kyoushirou's Guide to Becoming a Host_

The best host in the Kabuki district had told him if he followed the instructions in this book, he should be able to get any girl to date him. He needed Kagura to be his girlfriend, whether through this method or any other.

He flipped to a page that had a photo of a blonde-haired young man kneeling down and offering a rose to a woman.

Sougo plucked a red rose from the background, because good-looking anime guys always had roses in the background. He knelt down on one knee and offered Kagura the flower.

"My Lady, please accept this rose as a token of my— Oh, forget it."

He tossed the book off the roof.

Kagura looked down at him in condescending pity.

"So Gori-chan fired you and you're a host now, yes?" She relished his misfortune with a smug smile on her face.

"Like hell that could happen." Sougo searched through his pockets, flipping them inside out. " _Where did I put that_?"

His sleeping mask, handcuffs and a stick of bubble-gum tumbled into a pile on the ground along with a sausage, some hand-grenades and his Shinsengumi bazooka. He kept searching. He dug deeper into his bottomless coat pocket until he found a folded card.

"There it is. Did you get this in your mail?" He showed it to Kagura. "Have a look, Chinagirl."

Kagura read the flowing script on the cardstock. "Invitation to the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament?"

"Yeah, it's kinda like a popularity contest, but for couples," said Sougo. "Anime fans like to pair the characters up and write about the stuff they do to each other. You know, _this_ and _that._ "

" _Huuuuh?!_ " Kagura's mouth twisted in disgust. "I'll never do this or that with you! Never! Why do all those Readers think I actually _like_ this sadist?"

"It doesn't matter if we like each other or not," said Sougo with a shrug. "There are tons of couples who don't love each other, but they still stay together for all sorts of reasons."

"I'm an innocent and naive romance heroine." Kagura pouted. "I believe in _love!"_

Sougo scoffed at her, unconvinced. "I just need a partner for the Tournament. The winning pair gets to become the main characters of this novel, you know? I'm usually second or third in the polls, and you're the most popular female character. If we team up, I'm sure we'll win."

Sougo sat on the railing. The sky stretched behind him, far and wide. "It's about time Boss stopped hogging all the glory. He's already the hero in the canon. This one belongs to me." His eyes gleamed in lust for power. "We'll build an empire of OkiKagu fanfiction and _all_ will bow at my feet!"

Sougo turned to Kagura and grinned like a megalomaniac. "Plus, I get to play with a girl."

Kagura charged forward to punch him in the face, but her fist only met air.

Sougo hanged upside-down from the railing by his legs. He remained pokerfaced despite dangling ten storeys off the ground. He blinked as he stared at the city from a new angle.

"You called me out here just for _this_?" Kagura yanked him up by his coatcollar and shook her fist at him. "No way I'm pairing with you, _Bakaiser!_ Go play with Sacchan or something."

Kagura stormed off towards the staircase. "I'm going home!"

Before she could take more than a few steps, Sougo grabbed her wrist.

Kagura glanced back, more annoyed than surprised.

Sougo stood, eyes hidden in the darkness under his bangs. His shadow stretched long and narrow. He wasn't smiling anymore.

Without warning, he pinned her against the brick wall.

Kagura narrowed her eyes at him. "Oi, what are you trying to pull?"

Sougo leaned close until his face filled her vision. His bangs parted to reveal his eyes, his scarlet orbicular orby orbs that betrayed none of his thoughts or plans. He gave a slight smile, but his gaze bore into her.

"It's too bad we're not always out of character in this fanfic," said Sougo in a cold voice. "You think you can just go home after all the work I did to act like a good guy and give that stupid love confession?"

Kagura smiled with spite. "You're kinda out of character _right now_ , yes?"

Sougo's expression remained serious. He let out a sigh. "Guess there's no avoiding it."

He leaned forward. His mouth parted.

Kagura stared at his soft lips. Her heart pounded but she stood frozen. His face was so close that she could feel the heat of his breath. She could smell his scent. He _reeked_ of blood and gunpowder.

Her mouth twisted in revulsion as a thought ran through her head. _He's gonna kiss me!_

"Don't worry, I'm not trying steal your first kiss..." Sougo smirked. "For now."

Kagura scowled at him. " _Ugh_ , your breath smells like gorilla butt."

She wanted to punch that smug look off his face.

Sougo tilted his head to the side and whispered something into her ear. His lips brushed against her skin. It tickled.

His voice sounded like dried leaves rustled by the wind.

" _Ehhhhhhhhhh_?!" Kagura's jaw dropped to the ground at what he told her.

She squirmed to free herself. Sougo let go and held up his hands in surrender.

The words she just heard raced through her mind. No one had ever said anything like that to her in all sixteen years of her life.

She stared at him, brows furrowed in doubt. He _had_ to be lying, but he showed no signs of it. If his words were true, if he meant what he said, she didn't mind being his partner for the Tournament. It was just one little tournament.

"Okay, fine. If you like me _that much_..." Kagura pouted. "It's a promise, yes?"

.

.***

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 _Next time:_ Out of all the characters Gintoki might pair up with, who does he end up choosing?


	3. XXX Arc - Lesson 2

**[XXX Arc] Lesson 2 - But it takes two to become one**

.

Rays of golden light shined through the window blinds into the Odd Jobs office and the dust floated in the warm stagnant air.

A banner hanged on the wall. It read: _Sugar Content_ , written in expressive ink calligraphy.

Gintoki sat with his feet on his desk. Blue patterns swirled on his white robes, and his head of silver hair was a permanent mess. He picked his nose as he stared engrossed with his Shounen Jump magazine.

Kagura flopped down on the couch, dressed in her usual red china-shirt and sweatpants. She kept her hair in two buns on both sides of her head covered by Zunboran penis sheaths. Those were her hair accessories.

"Gin-chan! Did you hear about the Tournament?"

"A tournament? Oh, that one?" Gintoki glanced to the invitation card sitting in the dustbin.

Kagura tilted her head. "What? You're not going?"

Gintoki put down his manga and sat up straight. He stared at Kagura with an air of seriousness like a teacher ready to give a lecture.

"Gura, you might be young and naïve, but there are bad guys out there who will trick you for your money," said Gintoki, as if speaking from personal experience. "Never trust a koala in a suit. They'll lure you in with a prize like a chance to become the main character. Then they'll make you pay a huge sum of money to participate and make you buy stuff that are overpriced. And when it's finally time for the tournament, they'll disappear. They'll run off with your money and you're never gonna get it back."

"Oi, I'm not you. I'm not gonna fall for something as sketchy as that."

Gintoki returned to his manga. "That's what they all say before they-"

The TV turned on by itself with a static zap. They both turned and stared at the screen.

"No! It's not a scam, I guarantee you!" said a voice from the TV.

A person with a koala head popped up on the screen, dressed in a black suit and tie.

Gintoki walked over and banged on the sides of the TV. "Oi, the TV's broken again. We just got it fixed."

Kagura pressed franticly on the remote control. "Huh? The remote isn't working either."

"It's no use. I'm not a part of this TV," said the koala. "I am the Author and I came here to speak to you about the Tournament."

"Gin-chan, is the bad guy talking to us?"

Gintoki narrowed his eyes at the screen. "There are times it might look that way, but don't be fooled. The people in the TV can't actually see or hear you."

"I can hear you."

"Hmm, this is really realistic." Gintoki rubbed his chin as he stared close enough to almost touch the glass. "What show is this?"

"I'm not a TV show, _okay_?!" The Author waved her arms in frustration. " _I said_ I'm here to talk about the Tournament! I sent out invitations to characters in Gintama for the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament, so take the next few chapters to find partners and when Round 1 starts, we'll meet at Café Hobo. The address is on the card. Any questions?"

Gintoki raise a hand with a bored look on his face. "Yeah, if you're really the Author, what's up with the name of this arc? It's misleading the readers. The _XXX_ arc... that sounds like some kind of R-rated porno. That not what this is, right? I mean so far it's clean, but it's not gonna roll around in a pile of poop after a few scenes, right?"

"Ah, about that. Since this arc will be about the events leading up to the Shipping Tournament, 'XXX' means: _a certain character X_ ****x**** _another character X_ , like _Sougo_ ****x**** _Kagura_ or _Gintoki_ ****x**** _Hijikata_. The first and last X's are variables that take character names as values... Get it?"

Kagura stared ahead with bright round eyes. She blinked.

Gintoki picked his nose with a dumb look on his face.

The Author curled up into a ball. Dark clouds of dejection hanged over her. " _I thought it sounded cool_..."

"Oi, Bad Guy, I have a question." Kagura stretched her arms towards a small red box of pickled seaweed on the far side of the coffee table. "Can you pass me the sukonbu? It's too far."

"No! Get it yourself!" A vein popped on the Author's forehead. "Any questions about _the_ _Tournament_?"

"What if I don't wanna participate?" said Gintoki. "I'm too busy reading manga, y'know?"

"You don't have to participate. You'll just lose your place as main character."

Gintoki shrugged. "Everyone wants to be the main character for some reason, but it's overrated. It's like being a magnet that attracts all the strongest villains, and everything bad that happens in the story happens around you."

"I see... You do have a point..." The Author paused in contemplation. "Well, if there are no more questions... Round 1 starts in Lesson 18, so see you then! Cheers!"

The Author did a pirouette and the TV turned off by itself.

"See, it's not a scam," said Kagura, munching on her sukonbu. "You're not pairing up with Tsukki or Mayora or that one-eyed person, yes?"

Sougo had told her earlier to make sure that Gintoki didn't pair up with Tsukuyo, Hijikata or Takasugi, as those were the only pairings that could rival OkiKagu in popularity and threaten their chances at winning the Tournament.

"What? Why would I pair up with an amazon, a mayo freak or a psychopath?" Gintoki shuddered when he remembered all those fanfics where he paired up with one of them. "It's just a fanfic... Just a bad dream..."

"But it's different this time, yes? We got this far without running into that Mary Sue OC who keeps hogging the spotlight when _I'm_ supposed to be the heroine."

"Who knows? I mean there's gonna be some OCs coming in sooner or later." Gintoki shrugged. "Guess we should just enjoy it while we're here."

"I wanna have all-you-can-eat egg-on-rice _and_ _sukonbu_ every day in this fanfic," said Kagura with a bright smile. "Can I? Can I?"

Gintoki paused in thought and rubbed his chin. "Maybe... maybe this is my chance..." A blush appeared on his cheeks. "I'm pairing up with Ketsuno Ana! There'd finally be a Gintoki x Ketsuno Ana fanfic-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, a portal from the demon world opened up beside him. Dark fumes swirled around the portal. A dark atmosphere filled the room.

Gedoumaru stepped out.

She had pale skin and an innocent face. Two small horns protruded from her head.

"I already made a pact with her," she said in a humourless voice. "My master is pairing with me."

Gintoki glanced down at her.

Gedoumaru stared up at him with unyielding red eyes. She looked like a little girl, but she carried a huge iron club on her back like it weighed nothing.

Gintoki shrugged. "Oh well. Maybe next time. Maybe in another fanfic. I mean, there's bound to be one about me and Ketsuno Ana, right? _Right?_ "

Crickets chirped.

"Someone hurry up and write one!" Gintoki screamed into the camera.

"And don't forget to add lots of bad sex scenes!" said Kagura with a lewd grin.

Gedoumaru stared into the camera and spoke in a calm but sinister voice. "If you write something dirty about my Master, I'll grind your bones to dust and turn your skin into a leather jacket."

Without another word, Gedoumaru turned and stepped back into the portal. She vanished into another dimension.

Kagura laughed at Gintoki. "Now there'd never be a fanfic- Wait, look! It's actually on , but there's only... _three_."

Kagura smirked at his misfortune.

Gintoki slumped into his chair. He raised his head back and stared at the ceiling with dead fish eyes. "If I can't be with Ketsuno Ana, I guess there's really no point in going to that Tournament."

"Don't worry! You still have meeee~~"

Sacchan sprang out from the closet in a flurry of long purple hair. She held out her arms, ready to pounce on Gintoki.

Gintoki held up his fist as she flew towards him. He didn't punch her. She simply smacked her face against his fist. A crack formed on her red-framed glasses.

Sacchan screeched in ecstasy as blood gushed from her nose. She rolled around on the floor. "Pair with me! Pair with me! I know you want me. Cu'mon, pair with me!"

"Shut up!" Gintoki snapped at her. "No way in hell I'd pair up with you, _you perverted pig_!"

"Ahhhhhhhh~" Sacchan squealed in delight. "More! More! Give me moaaarr~~"

Gintoki sat with his hands over his ears as he tried to concentrate on his manga.

Before he could even finish reading a page, the shoji doors slid open. Tama stood at the entrance, silhouetted by the morning light. She dressed in a maid's uniform and wore her green hair in a long thin braid. It might have been just the sunlight but there was a human-like warmth behind her robotic eyes.

Tama stepped inside. She glanced down at Sacchan, head tilted, perplexed by the strange creature.

Sacchan rolled across the room making noises. Tama stepped past her, unable to understand the sinful ways of the world. She ignored her as she made her way to Gintoki.

"Gintoki-sama," she said in a soft voice. "I have come to collect the rent."

"Hmm?" Gintoki glanced up from his Jump Magazine. "Tell that Baba the pachinko machines ate it."

Sacchan slid out from under Gintoki's desk.

"What's taking you so long?" said Sacchan with a blush. "Don't be shy. Just pair with me~~ Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

Sacchan waved her arms and chanted.

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

Gintoki slammed his hands on his desk. "That's it! I'm pairing up with Tama! Leave me alone!"

Sacchan froze. She stood up on her feet, no longer smiling.

She faced Gintoki, her eyes concealed behind the glare of her glasses. "I see... so that's how it is..."

She bit her lips, but couldn't hold back her tears. Her face scrunched up and her cheeks flushed red.

She stared at Gintoki with watery eyes on the verge of bursting. Her voice wavered as she yelled at him. "Does it give you that much pleasure to play with a girl's heart?"

Without waiting for an answer, she spun around. She ran out the door, bawling.

"Gin-chan, you're so mean." Kagura watched with an amused grin. "You made a girl cry."

Gintoki said nothing and returned to reading his manga.

Tama stood in front of his desk, waiting with an innocent expression.

"Gintoki-sama, what does it mean to be one?"

Gintoki turned a page, silent for a few seconds. He didn't look up.

"It means you're not two or three or a-hundred-and-twenty-six."

"Am I one?"

"Nope, you're an egg-cracker."

.

.***

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 _Next time:_ Gintoki's pairing up with _Tama?!_ What about Yamazaki? Also, what promise did Sougo make to Kagura back in Lesson 1?


	4. XXX Arc - Lesson 3

**[XXX Arc] Lesson 3 - Love makes people do weird things**

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The day started early at the Shinsengumi Headquarters. The policemen stood in orderly rows in the courtyard, swinging their swords under the morning sun. Beads of sweat glimmered on their faces, dripping onto the gravel, as they slashed downwards again and again in unison.

Hijikata supervised his men with eyes that missed not a single detail. If anyone dared to slack off under his watch, that was seppuku.

Kondo was absent as usual. He was busy training in solitude. The regular exercises weren't enough for their Commander. He was meditating under a waterfall... _was what Hijikata wanted everyone to believe_.

Sougo stood in the first row. He swung his sword up and down in mechanical movements like a robot. He wore his red eye mask with wide-open eyes printed on it as if that could trick anyone into thinking he was awake. A bubble grew and shrunk from his nose as he snored.

Hijikata had already given up on scolding him for dozing off. It actually amazed him how much this lazy First Squad Captain could do in his sleep.

Hijikata surveyed the faces of his men and furrowed his brows. He had a feeling someone was missing. They all had swords. No badminton rackets.

"Where's Yamazaki?" said Hijikata in a gruff voice. "Don't tell me he's still in bed. He better commit seppuku for sleeping in."

Sougo stopped in the middle of a swing and flipped up his eye mask.

"He's sick."

"Sick or not, that's no excuse to skip morning exercise."

Hijikata stormed off towards Yamazaki's room, surrounded by dark angry fumes. Sougo sighed and followed him to the dormitories.

They stopped in front of closed shoji doors.

Hijikata threw the doors open without even knocking. He stomped into the dimly lit room.

Yamazaki was lying under his covers, curled up into a ball. He didn't move.

Hijikata froze mid-step and flinched. His gaze drifted to the side and his face turned pale. Beads of sweat started dripping down his forehead.

The four walls that surrounded him were completely covered in writing. The words, scribbled in dripping ink, spun around him like a demonic spell.

 _Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tam—_

" _KYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ " Hijikata let out a high-pitched scream.

He dashed outside and slammed the door shut. He wrapped the doorway in police tape as if it could be used to seal evil spirits.

"G-G-G-Ghost... He's possessed by ghosts..."

Hijikata pushed Sougo to the door for the ghosts to have him instead, and ran off without looking back.

Sougo stood, not moving from the spot, just staring at the door. The shadows hanged over an indiscernible expression on his face.

A muffled cough escaped his throat as he slumped down by the doorway. He popped a piece of bubble-gum into his mouth and blew a bubble.

Sobbing sounds came from the room. He said nothing, just listened to Yamazaki cry.

" _Why?_ Why did I have to be born a minor character?" said Yamazaki between sniffles. "Why couldn't I be badass like the man she chose? I'm not good enough... I'm not good enough for you... Tama..."

Sougo raised his head to gaze at the white clouds floating in the sky. A smile of satisfaction stretched across his face. The sadist basked in pain and suffering like a plant that needed sunlight.

"They still sell robot maids in the black market if you like them that much," said the one who started the YamaTama pairing. "They even have ones that make sounds when you _insert a stick_ into them... I mean a USB stick~."

"But that's not _Tama_... Only Tama is Tama."

Shinpachi sat on the couch in the Yorozuya office. He rubbed his fingers against his temples with his eyes squeezed shut and brows furrowed in concentration.

" _Shinpachi to Otsuu-chan, Shinpachi to Otsuu-chan_... Can you hear me? Over." Shinpachi said to himself. "You'll be my partner, right? You'll pair with me for the Tournament, right?"

Kagura lounged on the opposite couch. She narrowed her eyes at him.

Shinpachi had a silver frame and thick lenses, but he was otherwise an unremarkable pair of glasses that didn't require any more description.

"Oi, you don't need a partner," said Kagura. "You're already a _pair_ of glasses, yes?"

" _Quiet!"_ said Shinpachi without moving from his posture. "The telepathy signal is really weak in here. _Otsuu-chan_... _Otsuu-chan_... _Can you hear me_? Over."

A vein popped on Kagura's forehead. She picked up the remote and turned on the TV, making sure to turn the volume up to the highest. A celebrity interview appeared on the screen.

"So, Otsuu-chan," said the host of the show. "I hear you're going to participate in a new variety show to promote your album."

Shinpachi's eyes opened wide. He dashed in front of the TV and sat so close that his nose pressed against the screen.

Otsuu was the guest star of the show. She sat on a stool, smiling with her usual cheerfulness.

"That's right. It's the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament, fortune cookie of death. I'm pairing up with my producer Tsunpo, necromancer!"

Shinpachi's face lost its color at those words. His cheeks became sunken and his eyes became hollow. Everything around him became enveloped in dark clouds.

" _Nooooooo!_ Otsuu-chan!" Shinpachi banged his head on the screen. "Didn't you get my message? Didn't we agree to be together? How could you chose that guy over me? _How could you? How could you?!_ "

"Oi Glasses, are you having trouble seeing?" Kagura looked down at him with a condescending grin. "You should get new glasses, yes?"

Shinpachi froze. He got back on his feet and pushed up his glasses. His face became serious.

"You're right..." He stared at the ground. "Maybe I need to start seeing what's real and what's not... Maybe it's time to appreciate what's right in front of me... instead of chasing after a fantasy..."

Shinpachi raised his eyes to stare into the camera. His glasses glimmered like two pools of clear water.

"You'll be my partner won't you, (y/n)?"

Kagura looked at him with hooded eyes.

"So Your Name is _second_ _choice_ , huh? That's why you're so unpopular with readers, only eighth place in the polls... _tsk tsk..._ " She shook her head in disdain.

"Otsuu-chan didn't count! It's two different things! I'll— I'll make up for it. I'll do a good job, so it won't matter if _My Name_ is first choice or second choice."

"But you're just a pair of Glasses, yes? Do you even _know_ how to seduce anyone? You'll have to do something like this:"

Kagura twirled around, tossing sparkles everywhere.

"Hooooyyyyyyyyyy!" She gave a long battle cry.

She pointed to you with her hands like pistols and shot straight into your heart. "Bang! Bang!"

As if shot by bullets, your chest hurt like it was about to explode. You could feel your heart pounding against your ribcage, threatening to break free.

Kagura held a cool pose and blew at the smoke coming from her fingertips.

She turned to Shinpachi, arms crossed and grinning. "If you can't even do that, there's no way you could seduce (yes/no)."

Shinpachi paused in thought. He pushed up his glasses. His face became serious.

"Then is this okay?"

Shinpachi leaned back on the couch. He puckered his lips in an attempt to look tough, but he was still dressed in his usual exercise-jacket-hakama with the wide pant legs and blue stripes running down his sleeves. He sat with his legs spread apart and his arms slung over the backrest. He raised his chin, looking down at you through half lidded eyes.

His glasses glared in the light, making it impossible for you to see what he was really thinking. He wiggled a finger at you.

"Come 'ere, little bunny. Or this big bad wolf will eat you."

Kagura's stared at him, frozen with a vacant expression. The silence lingered for a second that seemed much longer.

" _Pft...!_ " Her face twisted.

She doubled over, laughing at him like a hyena until her voice became hoarse. She gasped for breath, but couldn't stop laughing.

"W–What's so funny?" Shinpachi furrowed his brows. His face glowed bright red. "I was really trying..."

"You keep that up, you're gonna be _reeeally_ popular..." said Kagura between laughs. "...as a comic relief character."

Sadaharu stared at his plate with his chin resting on his paws. He whimpered with sad watery eyes.

A lonely dog kibble sat on the center of his plate, a tiny kibble for a big white dog the size of the couch. There was one for him, one for Gintoki and one for Kagura. They all sat around the coffee table, staring at their lunch.

"Better than nothing." Gintoki plopped his kibble into his mouth. "We haven't gotten any job requests since this fanfic started, so this is all we have again."

He picked up his Jump Magazine and laid down on the couch, burying his face in the pages.

Shinpachi stared at his plate. It was so clean that it sparkled. It had not a single speck of food, not even a kibble.

" _Wait!_ What about me?" Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "Why's my plate the only one empty?"

"Glasses don't need to eat, yes? I mean do glasses even have mouths? But then how do they talk?" Kagura rubbed her chin, deep in thought.

"Telepathy," said Gintoki as if stating an obvious fact.

" _What?_ Stop calling me a pair of glasses! I'm a person! _A living, breathing person!_ "

"Look, Gin-chan!" said Kagura with round eyes. "The glasses are wearing a person."

Gintoki nodded as he flipped through the pages.

" _Gahhhh!_ How many times do I have to tell you? My glasses are not wearing me! _I'm_ wearing my glasses!" Shinpachi threw his arms into the air. "I don't care anymore! Just give me food! I'm dying from hunger! _Food... Food..._ "

Gintoki glanced over from his Jump Magazine. "Don't you have food at home?"

"You think I can eat my sister's cooking? And I don't even get allowance 'cause _you're_ _supposed to be paying me_ , but she won't even believe me when I told her—"

Kagura pushed her plate in front of Shinpachi.

Shinpachi stared at the kibble, still untouched.

Both Shinpachi's and Gintoki's jaws fell open until their chins hit the table. Their eyes bulged and their faces lost color as they stared at her in horror.

"Y-Y-You're not _eating?!_ " said Gintoki, trembling from head to toe in cold sweat. "Kagura's not eating... The world's gonna end..."

Kagura got up and headed to the door.

"I'm going out. You won't eat any egg-on-rice while I'm gone, yes?" She glanced back with a sweet smile.

She headed outside with her purple umbrella slung over her shoulder, humming a cheerful tune.

The shoji doors slid shut.

Shinpachi turned to Gintoki with blushing cheeks. "You think Kagura-chan might be, um, you know... _in love_ with Okita-san? She's meeting him every day in such a good mood."

"She's growing up." Gintoki shrugged, still a bit shaken. "That must be why she's not eating. That must be why I keep hearing her _recite_ _Shakespeare_ in the middle of the night. Must be the effects of love... Yes, that must be it..."

Kagura walked down the streets of Edo, twirling her umbrella with a bright smile on her face.

She greeted all the strangers that she passed by: two ladies out on a stroll, a man with a paper bag over his head, and a round-eyed Amanto with two antennae.

The air seemed warmer, the sky clearer, and the flowers more colorful. She walked with a bounce to her steps.

The words that Sougo had whispered to her ears that day still made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Whenever she missed Mami and Papi, whenever Glasses annoyed her with his weirdness, those words would always make her smile again. Sougo made a promise that day, the greatest promise anyone had ever made to her.

She stopped at the back gates of the Shinsengumi Headquarters. His words echoed in her ears.

 _"All-you-can-eat egg-on-rice every day... Are we good?"_

 _._

 _.***_

 _._

 **Character Complaint Corner**

 **Author:** Hi everyone~! For the sake of the human rights of characters, I will be hosting a Character Complaint Corner where characters can voice their concerns about anything they disagree with when it comes to the direction of the plot or about how they are portrayed in this fanfic. I will then judge whether or not the complaint is valid. The complainant this time is Sakata Gintoki. Gintoki, what do you have to say?

 **Gintoki:** Oi, stop making me read Jump all the time. That's all I've been doing so far in this fanfic. I do other things, y'know? The anime isn't:

Benizakura Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Shinsengumi Crisis Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Yoshiwara Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Shogun Assassination Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Farewell Shinsegumi Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Final Arc: Gintoki read Jump

So give me some proper scenes!

 **Author:** Ah, I see... But isn't that what you do when there aren't any job requests and you're not busy fighting bad guys? Well... okay, I guess you _do_ do other things. I guess I was writing a very limited portrayal of a character who is way more complex than that, so this complaint is... _(drumroll)_... VALID! I won't make you read Jump ever again in future chapters.

.

.***

.

 _Next time:_ Kagura's in Sougo's room! An unwanted intruder interrupts them.


	5. XXX Arc - Lesson 4

**[XXX Arc] Lesson 4 - In BDSM, "Red" is a safeword that means "Stop"**

.

"O Sougo-chan, Sougo-chan. Wherefore art thou, Sougo-chan?" said Kagura in a flat voice.

She lounged on the floor of Sougo's dorm room with her bloated belly sticking out under her shirt. Bits of rice stuck on her chubby cheeks. An empty bowl laid in her hand and empty egg cartons piled up into a mountain behind her.

Kagura looked around the room. She never thought Sougo would live such a frugal lifestyle. She'd expect the other members of the Shinsengumi to follow all those rules, but she thought the sadist would at least have some porn magazines lying around.

It was a small place, but it didn't feel cramped since he had hardly any furniture: an old wardrobe stood in the corner, a bookcase stood by the far wall with thread-bound classic novels arranged in neat rows. The walls had hardly any posters or banners on them and the wooden floor was spotless. It seemed almost too tidy.

Sougo sat cross-legged on the floor beside a rice cooker and scooped another bowl of rice for Kagura. He bribed her with rice to do what he wanted, no better than those gangsters in the beginning of the anime. But nothing else mattered when there was food.

Sougo stared at her with his head tilted to the side. "Hey Chinagirl, did you really practice your lines? That wasn't romantic at all."

"Oi, I stayed up late memorizing this crap." Kagura yawned. "Deny thy father, refuse thy name. Or if thou will not, be but sworn my love, then I'll no longer be a Chinagirl!"

Sougo rubbed his chin as he studied her closely. "Something's missing... It's not..."

His mouth curled up into a sadistic grin. With one swift motion, he tied Kagura in rope and dangled her from the ceiling.

"...masochist enough."

Blue lines appeared over Kagura's forehead as her face twisted into a scowl.

"Let me go!" She screamed at him, popping a vein. "I don't want your dirty sadist germs! Let me go! Let me go!"

She swung back and forth, squirming as she tried to get free, but the ropes remained tight.

Sougo reached into the gap under the bookcase and took out a whip. He pulled it taut, before turning to face her. His mouth stretched into a thin smirk as he glared at Kagura with unblinking red eyes.

"I'm trying to make this fanfic more popular with some forced lemon. Hold still."

He strolled over like a wolf approaching cornered prey, his footsteps coming _closer... closer_... He stopped behind her and held up his whip. The shadows hanged sinister over the darkest corners of his face and his eyes gleamed in ravenous hunger.

"No! No! _Assault!_ " Kagura squirmed desperately in the bondage. "Red! Yellow! Green! Blue! _Police! Police!_ "

Sougo paused and just stared at her, no longer smiling.

"Just break the rope, _you stupid Yato._ " He sighed and stepped away.

He took his notepad from his pocket and crossed out _Fifty Shades of Gray_ from his list along with _Romeo and Juliette_.

"If we want to win this Tournament, we have to figure out what type of love story we're in."

He stared at the next item on the list: _The Fault in our Stars._

"A sick-lit romance." He glanced to Kagura. "We can at least do that one, can we?"

Kagura sat on the floor in a pile of broken ropes. She pouted as she rubbed her wrists. "Just find a new partner, _you stupid sadist_. There are so many characters in Gintama. Go torture someone else."

"The other pairings that I'm a part of aren't popular enough to win the Tournament." Sougo shrugged. "I don't have a lot of choices."

"Why don't you pair up with Gin-chan if you care so much about winning? That GinOki doujinshi called _Rainman_ was pretty good."

Sougo shook his head. "You see, when two sadists become a couple, one of them will turn into a masochist, and Boss might be a bigger sadist than me."

"Then how about Nobume? OkiNobu is popular enough to be part of a love triangle with OkiKagu and her sadism is only equal to yours."

Sougo shook his head. "Tried calling her. She won't pick up the phone."

"Then why not be with your Gorilla Commander?"

Sougo shook his head. "I ship KondoTae."

"What about that Mayo Freak? You two already spend so much time together, yes?"

"Whoever pairs up with him will become a widow..." He stared ahead with eyes that gleamed like two puddles of fresh blood.

Footsteps came from the hallway outside.

Sougo turned his head to the door. "Speak of the devil..." He glanced to his wardrobe, then to his bookcase. "Narnia or secret chamber? _Quick_ , choose one."

"Huh?"

"Too slow. Secret chamber then."

He got up and dashed over to the bookcase. He pushed in one of the books like a button. The bookcase swung open to reveal a dark hole in the wall the size of a closet.

Kagura stared at it, mouth open in astonishment.

"Oi, is that where you hide your porn?"

"Porn? Those are boring," said Sougo, busy tossing the egg cartons across the room into the chamber. "First-hand experiences are always better~."

Kagura squirmed and tried to punch him, but he kept her at distance. He tried to shove her inside, but she held on to the edge of the wall.

"Sadist!" She yelled with a scowl on her face. "Who do you think you are? Christian Gray?! I'll never go into your playroom! _Never!_ "

"Just stay in there, got it? It'll be too much work if I got in trouble over some Shinsengumi Regulation." Sougo gave a final shove and Kagura fell into chamber.

He pushed the bookcase over the entrance just as the door to his room slid open.

Hijikata stood at the doorway with the sun at his back. He scanned the room with stern eyes and furrowed brows. Everything was quiet. Nothing seemed out of place.

Sougo stood with his back to Hijikata. He picked out a classic novel, _The Fart of War_ , and started flipping through the pages. He leaned against the bookcase, reading his book as if he had nothing to worry about.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Who's in your room? I heard voices."

"Hijikata-san~, you hear voices?" Sougo glanced up in concern. "Maybe the position of Vice-Commander is too much for you. Is your reflection in the mirror telling you to kill people? Do you see polka-dotted elephants walking around in a forest of Staphylococci bacteria? We can't have someone like that as Vice-Commander, am I right?"

"I'm not crazy! I swear you're keeping a woman in here. Commit seppuku for breaking the Shinsengumi Code!"

"What's wrong with inviting girls over? Are we boy scouts or something?"

"Shut up!" Hijikata barged into his room and started swinging open the wardrobe doors.

"Kondo-san! Kondo-san!" Sougo stuck his head out to the hallway. "Hijikata has lost his mind! He's hearing voices and attacking my furniture!"

Without warning, Hijikata grabbed Sougo by the collar of his shirt and dragged him inside. He threw him onto the floor with a crash. Sougo struggled to get free, but Hijikata held him down by the neck. Hijikata stuck his face so close that Sougo could feel the hot air coming from his flared nostrils. He glared down at Sougo with the threatening eyes of someone bigger and more powerful.

Sougo clenched his teeth and pried at the fingers over his throat. His eyes remained hidden in shadow.

"I'm telling you," Hijikata muttered in a dark voice. "You might think you can get away with everything, but one day you'll slip. When that day comes, I catch you breaking the Code just once and I'll give you the punishment you deserve."

The corners of Sougo's lips curled up. It was the grin he always had when he was up to no good. He let go of Hijikata's hand and reached up to fix Hijikata's cravat so that it wasn't so close-fitting around his neck.

"Hijikata-san~, you shouldn't wear your scarf so tight. That's why you don't have a girl."

"I- I _do_ have a girl." Hijikata's face turned red. "You'll see. When the Tournament starts, you'll see..."

Hijikata's gaze drifted across the floor. An innocent white speck sat between the cracks. He froze. The grain of rice that was stuck on the floorboards caught his attention. He released Sougo and made his way there.

Sougo pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his neck.

Hijikata crouched down and picked up the rice with tweezers as if handling important evidence.

A triumphant grin spread across his face and his eyes gleamed in delight. "What's _this?_ "

Sougo glanced over Hijikata's shoulder. "I believe it's called a grain of rice."

"As I thought! It was _you!_ You're the one who keeps stealing all the rice and eggs and paper bags from the kitchen."

"Paper bags?" Sougo tilted his head and round eyes. "Why would I steal _that?_ "

"Stop playing innocent. Who else could it be?" Hijikata held the grain of rice in front of Sougo's face. "Look! I have evidence! _Evidence!_ Commit seppuku _now!_ "

Sougo bent over and rubbed his chin as he examined Hijikata's uniform.

"Hijikata-san~, there's some rice on your scarf."

 _"What?"_ Hijikata looked down to see that there was indeed a grain of rice stuck in the folds of his cravat. "That- That was from lunch. Nothing to do with this!"

Sougo pointed to Hijikata's evidence. "And _that_ was from _my_ lunch."

Hijikata stared at him. The corners of his mouth twitched.

His grin disappeared to be replaced by a look of irritation. "Then tell me why the rice is disappearing so quickly. There was enough to last _a_ _year_ in there."

Sougo shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe some rats ate it."

"Rats don't eat that much, you idiot."

"I know a rat who eats that much," said Sougo with a shrug. "The mayonnaise keeps disappearing. We should catch the rat who keeps eating it."

At those words, Hijikata's face lost color. His mouth stretched into a flat line. (-_-)

"I- I'll catch the rat," said Hijikata, sweat dripping down his face. "Don't- Don't worry 'bout it. I'll catch it..."

He turned and left with quick steps. The First Captain was truly terrifying.

Sougo watched him disappear down the hall. He slid his door shut.

"Come out, Chinagirl. When did you learn to stay quiet for so long?"

The bookcase swung open with a creak, but Kagura just stood at the entrance. She didn't take a single step.

Kagura stared at him with her mouth twisted in disbelief. Her cheek wouldn't stop twitching. She pointed with her trembling hand into the darkness of the secret chamber.

Row after row of every kind of torture instrument hanged on the cold damp walls. There appeared to be more than a hundred items.

"It's my collection," said Sougo, simply stating a fact. "I'm a sadist."

"W-What- _What the_ _hell_ do you _do_ with those?"

Sougo shrugged. "Nothing worth mentioning."

.

.***

.

 _Next time:_ The Yorozuya finally gets a customer...


	6. Lesson 5

**Lesson 5 - When in Tokyo, do as the Tokyoites do**

.

 _Knock! Knock!_

The doorbell rang at the Odd Jobs office.

"Who's there?" said Gintoki in a bored voice.

"It's not a _knock knock_ joke!" said Shinpachi who was mopping the floor. "Someone get the door!"

Gintoki was at his desk reading a... _Shoujo Beat_ _magazine_... He didn't look up.

Kagura was taking an afternoon nap on the couch with a piece of sukonbu hanging from her mouth. She opened an eye and mumbled something in a groggy voice.

" _Fine_ , I'll get it." Shinpachi laid down his mop and wiped his hands on his apron.

He slid open the doors to find an Amanto standing before him.

The Amanto smiled and waved. He was a scrawny young man with a goofy grin that revealed his large front teeth. A shock of messy lime green hair sat on top of his head between two yellow antennae.

"Hi! My name is Alpacasio Drakanator!" said the Amanto with a slight accent. "I'm here for the Good Good Edo City Tour of Cultural Landmarks!"

"The... _Good Good Edo City Tour?_ " Shinpachi scratched his head in confusion.

The Amanto carried hiking backpack and wore a camera around his neck. He held a crumpled map with both hands. Shinpachi stared at his baggy t-shirt that read: I Edo.

A light bulb lit up over Shinpachi's head. "Are you looking for a travel agency by any chance?"

"Yup! That's where I am, right?" Alpacasio showed him his map.

A star drawn in red marker indicated the location of the travel agency. Shinpachi noticed that he was holding the map upside-down.

"Ah, your map—"

Gintoki dashed to the door in a flash. He pushed Shinpachi aside before he could finish.

"You're at the right place, Alpaca-san. Come on in." Gintoki slung his arm over the Amanto's shoulder and led him inside. "We'll give you the _best best_ Edo City Tour you'll ever have."

Gintoki stole a glance at Kagura and a sinister grin appeared on both their faces.

"First things first, you got the bill, Gura?"

Kagura started punching numbers into a calculator.

"The attraction admission expenses would be 5000 yen*, the walking expenses 10,000 yen, the speaking expenses 10,000 yen, the insurance in case we get attacked by zombies is 15,000 yen."

 _[* a dollar is approximately 100 yen]_

"What's with all these expenses I've never heard of?!" Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "And _zombies?!_ Like that could ever happen!"

"It comes to a total of 400,000 yen." Kagura glanced up at Alpacasio with a sweet smile. "But we can give you a fifty percent discount if you buy a Yorozuya water bottle for only 300,000!"

Alpacasio's eyes opened wide. "Whoa! That's so cheap! I love this planet. Everything's so cheap here."

He took out a ¥500,000 bill from his wallet and handed it to Gintoki.

Gintoki's eyes glowed in excitement at the fact that he now had enough money to buy a chocolate parfait every meal of the day for _a year_. When he saw the banknote closer, he realized it had the bust of a stern-looking Amanto on it with the same yellow antennae as Alpacasio, but it still said ¥500,000.

"Oi, don't you have Earth money?"

Alpacasio gave a downhearted sigh. "My big brother Hammy stole my travel funds, so I only have _Melissan yodels_ on me right now. Is that okay?"

Gintoki shrugged and pocketed the money. "I guess I can go exchange it later."

"It's a rip-off... A rip-off, I'm telling you..." Shinpachi muttered to the Amanto with a dark expression on his face.

Gintoki elbowed Shinpachi in the ribs before he could say more. Shinpachi gagged.

"Let's get the tour started," said Gintoki with a clap of his hands. "This here is the tour guide."

Kagura got changed in a blink of an eye into a fluorescent red windbreaker. A whistle hung around her neck and she held a small flag that had: _Yorozuya Good Good Edo City Tour_ , scribbled on it.

" _Ooh!_ A tour guide!"

Alpacasio marveled at her as if he'd never seen one before. He snapped photo after photo of her from every angle, up close and far away.

"This here is Sadaharu. He's the best Sadaharu ever!" Kagura motioned to her huge white dog who was taking a nap in the corner.

" _Ooh!_ A sadaharu!"

Alpacasio went over and started taking photos. Half his body ended up inside Sadaharu's mouth. He got a chance to take photos of the inside.

Kagura blew her whistle and proceeded to the kitchen.

"This here is a toaster. It makes toast."

" _Ooh!_ A toaster!"

Alpacasio took photos despite the blood flowing down his face.

"This here is a microwave. It microwaves stuff."

" _Ooh!_ A microwave!"

"This here is Glasses. He's not good for anything."

"Hey! What kind of description is that?!" Shinpachi yelled at Kagura.

Alpacasio took a long look at him. He turned his attention elsewhere.

"And this here is the Shiroyasha!" Kagura waved her arms like he's the highlight of the tour. "He slayed lots and lots of Amanto in the Joui War!"

"Oi, don't tell him—"

"Whoa! You're a shiroyasha?!" The Amanto stared at Gintoki, eyes glimmering in awe. "This whole time... I couldn't even tell..."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"Nice to meet you, Shiroyasha-san!" Alpacasio shook his hand eagerly. "Can I have an autograph? Oh and a picture! A picture!"

He fumbled with his camera and shoved it into Kagura's hands.

"That'd be 10,000 yen per picture."

Shinpachi grabbed the camera from her. "Stop squeezing money out of this poor tourist! I'll take the picture. Don't pay me for this."

"Really? Awesome!"

Alpacasio stood beside Gintoki grinning until his eyes squeezed shut. He held up a peace sign with his fingers.

Gintoki stared ahead with dead fish eyes and picked his nose.

Shinpachi snapped the photo with a flash.

Kagura blew her whistle.

"Unfortunately, our tour has come to an end," she read from her script. "Thank you for—"

" _What?!_ " Shinpachi screamed at her. "It's a _city_ tour, not an _office_ tour! Show him some places in Edo!"

Kagura pouted. "Okay, fine."

She blew her whistle and headed to the door, holding up her flag.

"To the next destination!"

.

.***

.

An ancient ginkgo tree stood on a hill overlooking Edo. It hunched over like an old sentry, forever guarding the city as it grew and changed. Alpacasio and the Yorozuya joined it in its tireless watch. The two humans and the two Amanto stood under a canopy of leaves, gazing at the metropolis that sprawled before them.

The skyscrapers casted long shadows over the land of the samurai. In the distance, the Terminal glimmered, a silver tower against the cloudless blue sky. A few ships of various shapes and sizes hovered around it.

"The Terminal..." Shinpachi smiled in relief. "Good choice. It's an important building."

His smile disappeared when he saw that everyone else had their backs facing the view.

"This here is a tree," said Kagura, patting the bark.

"Ooh, a tree."

They all stood around its wide twisted trunk, staring at it like it was an important artifact. A ginkgo leaf blew past them.

" _H-Hey_... the landmark's over there... _There!_ " Shinpachi pointed desperately to the Terminal as everyone ignored him.

Gintoki raised his head and squinted at the canopy. The leaves rustled in the wind. He had a distant look in his eyes like a philosopher about to share his wisdom.

"They say if you hang a booger on its branches, you can make a wish," he said as he picked his nose.

" _What?!_ " Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "There's no such thing as that!"

Gintoki took his finger out of his nostril and stared at the glob of slime hanging from his fingertip.

Kagura held out her hand to Alpacasio. "That'd be 40,000 yen for Gin-chan's booger."

Alpacasio took out his wallet.

Shinpachi grabbed it closed before he could take anything out.

"That's enough!" Shinpachi glared at Kagura and Gintoki. "Don't listen to those two. They just want your money. I'll give you the tour properly."

"But— But— _The booger_..."

Alpacasio reached longingly towards it as Shinpachi dragged him away.

.

.***

.

The Yorozuya tour group stopped at the gates of Edo Castle at the heart of the city. The traditional Japanese palace loomed over them, many storeys tall. Long ago, it used to be the tallest structure in the city, but the skyscrapers now towered over it.

The walls were painted in vibrant reds and greens, and the clay tiles that covered the rooftops were gilded in gold. Carvings of phoenixes decorated the curved roofs and dragons coiled around the columns.

Gintoki, Kagura and Alpacasio stood in a row before Tour Guide Shinpachi. All three of them picked their noses in perfect sync with each other. Gintoki and Kagura stared ahead with bored looks on their faces, but Alpacasio had round eager eyes.

Shinpachi cleared his throat. "The building that stands before you was once home to the Shogun and his family. It was the center of government for three hundred years, so a lot of important historical events happened right within those walls."

Shinpachi smiled at how professional he sounded. He spent the entire walk trying to figure out how to present everything he learned back in temple school.

The palace guards who used to stand by the gates had been replaced by ticket booths and revolving doors.

After the shogun stepped down from power, everyone who lived and worked in there had to vacate the palace grounds. Princess Soyo had moved to a quiet villa on the outskirts of the city. Kagura still visited her often.

"Back then, you needed special permission to enter those gates," Shinpachi continued. "But now it's open to all visitors. Let's buy some tickets"

Shinpachi made his way towards the ticket booth. He stopped and glanced back.

No one was following him.

Gintoki and Kagura gazed apathetically to the side. A cherry tree grew at the edge of the road.

"Does this tree also work?" said Alpacasio as he rubbed his booger on the bark. "I wish I was a cheeseburger!"

" _What_? You weren't even listening?!" Shinpachi screamed at the Amanto in disbelief. "And what's with that wish? You're not Sorachi-sensei!"

"We've all had moments in our lives when we wish we were cheeseburgers," said Gintoki with a shrug.

"Stop trying to say something deep! Just look at what you've done!" Shinpachi threw his arms in frustration. "Now he thinks _rubbing boogers_ is all there is to our culture!"

The three of them stared at Alpacasio, who grinned proudly beside a tree enveloped in snot.

"Oi, Alpaca-san," said Gintoki. "If you wanna become a cheeseburger that badly, I'll show you a better way to make your wish come true."

"You mean like going to a meat-processing plant?" said Kagura with a bright smile. "But they don't make burgers out of alpaca meat, yes?"

"Nope, where I'll take you, anyone can become a cheeseburger." Gintoki turned and started walking down the road.

Shinpachi followed behind everyone else. He wasn't sure where they were going, but he had a bad feeling in his guts.

.

.***

.

The Odd Jobs trio and the Amanto tourist stopped before a narrow storefront. They arrived just as the sun was about to set.

The sketchy-looking shop stood crammed between a love hotel and a sex-toy store. A faded banner hanged above the door: _The Diner_.

Shinpachi prayed to Sorachi-sensei or the Author or whoever controlled everything in the universe that they were just going to a normal fast food restaurant... _but this was Yoshiwara_.

A stand of brochures stood by the door. Gintoki took one and handed it to Alpacasio.

On the cover, there was a photo of a naked man and a naked woman sandwiched between two giant pieces of bread. The man was licking molten cheese off the woman's breast.

Shinpachi clutched his eyes and howled in pain, blinded by a single glimpse. It knocked him over like a punch in the face. Blood spewed from his nose.

"Gahhh! Why did you take us here?" Shinpachi tended to his bleeding nose. "No one needs to know your crazy fetishes!"

Alpacasio flipped through the brochure, eyes glued to the pages.

"Whoa! They even have hotdog and chocolate parfait options!" His eyes sparkled. "So many choices~~ This place is awesome!"

Gintoki glanced to him. "You 18+?"

"I just turned twenty."

"Good." Gintoki turned to the kids. "You two stay outside."

"Aww..." Kagura pouted. "But I wanna become a cheeseburger too!"

Blue lines appeared over Shinpachi's forehead. "Let's just go home."

Kagura kicked and squirmed as Shinpachi dragged her away.

.

.***

.

The next day, Gintoki, Kagura and Shinpachi were at the O-Edo Bank. Gintoki stank with a sickly sweet chocolaty smell that made Kagura wrinkle her nose. He smelled worse in the morning when he just got home.

They waited in line before a row of bank tellers. It was finally their turn.

Gintoki placed his ¥500,000 bill on the counter.

"Oi, can I exchange this for yen?"

"Of course," said a faceless young woman dressed in the bank's business suit uniform.

Technically, she _did_ have a face, but no eyes. It was a generic face that existed because anime creators were too lazy to do character design for background characters. It was the face of a stranger you'd pass by on the streets without really paying attention to, that you'd completely forget about right after.

The bank teller took the bill and placed a single coin on the counter.

Gintoki stared at the five yen coin. His brows twitched. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead.

"I-I think you made a mistake. It should be 500,000 yen, right? _500,000_ _yen!_ It says that on the bill."

"Hmm?" The bank teller took closer look at the bill. "No, this is 500,000 _yodels_. The exchange rate from _Melissan yodels_ to Japanese yen is 100,000 to 1, so that comes to 5 yen. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Gintoki just stared at the coin. A rumbling sound echoed in his ears. The bowls of chocolate parfait, which had been stacked on top of each other until it touched the sky, started wobbling. The earth shook and his mountain of parfaits swayed side to side, crashing down at his feet into a pile of broken glass and gooey brown ice-cream.

Gintoki raised his head back. A scream escaped his throat. He pulled at his hair and let out a scream of absolute despair.

Kagura joined him, pulling at _his_ hair and screaming.

"I'm a Yato, yes," said Kagura as she wept. "But I'm not _Yato!_ I did all that work for _five yen?!_ "

They cried in a chorus of screams as if competing to see who was louder. The people around them turned and stared at the two crazy people as they walked by.

Shinpachi paced around in circles, whistling a tune. He didn't know them.

Gintoki gave up. Kagura won the screaming contest. He took the coin and sauntered away. He walked with his back bent under the weight of the dark clouds raining down on him.

Kagura followed him, shuffling her feet. Wavy rivers of tears streamed down her face.

"That alpaca..." said Gintoki through gritted teeth. "He cheated us..."

Only Shinpachi remained cheerful. He glanced back at the two with a smug smile.

"That's what you get for trying to pull off a scam like that."

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.***

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 _Next time:_ A looong overdue parody to celebrate the new Gintama live action movie!


	7. Live Action Special

**Live-Action Special – The director of the Gintama live action movie is also known for directing "The Hero Yoshihiko and Demon King's Castle", an epic fantasy TV series**

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The forces of Light and Dark had battled for dominance since the beginning of time.

The Light didn't like the Darkness because the Darkness didn't like the Light, and the Darkness didn't like the Light because it didn't have sunglasses. I mean, it really sucks to have light shining so brightly into your eyes that you couldn't keep them open.

Most of the universe had fallen to the Darkness, but there was one place still ruled by Light, a blue glimmer in a sea of black, home to humans, koalas, trolls and hobos.

Eons had passed under the ceaseless barrage of Darkness. The Light could no longer defend its stronghold, for it had been corrupted by the shadows. A disease had set in on the world, raising the temperature to feverish heights and melting the polar ice caps.

All seemed lost until the Chosen One was born. It was from a tiny village, known only as Colby Village, where the first spark of hope would spread like wildfire. The Heavens had sent a message in the form of the Beckoning Sword. Whoever could draw the blade from the stone would gain the invincibility of the Chosen One and be shielded by the most powerful plot-armor in the universe.

The Darkness, in an attempt to stop the forces of destiny, cursed the village to be plagued by a devastating illness. Still, there was hope in the depths of despair, for an ancient prophecy had foretold that the Chosen One would find a cure and save Colby Village before it was too late.

"...so someone pull out this stupid sword and go buy some medicine," Village Elder Hijikata finished explaining.

He looked across the blank faces of the villagers lined up before the Sword in the Stone. They formed a perfectly straight line despite their grumbling, because those who stood out of line had already committed seppuku.

The villagers tried pulling out the sword one by one, but so far, no one had succeeded. A bead of sweat dripped down Hijikata's forehead as the line only got shorter. _Could the prophecy be wrong? Were they doomed?_

His eyes lit up when he saw the well-muscled arms of next person in line.

"You look strong enough."

A silver-haired villager stood before him, staring at the sword with dead-fish eyes.

Villager Gintoki wrapped his fingers around the hilt of the Beckoning Sword. He just stood there. The sword didn't budge.

"Are you even trying?!" Hijikata screamed at him.

"Why are we even doing this?" said Gintoki. "Isn't this chapter here to celebrate the new Gintama live action movie? We're doing a parody of the wrong show!"

"The Author can't watch the movie 'til it gets pirated," said Hijikata. "Now hurry up and draw the sword!"

"Nah, I don't feel like it." Gintoki let go of the sword. "Someone else get the medicine. I'm too busy reading my... _Shounen Jump_ magazine."

He turned around and strolled away.

"Hey! Get back here! If everyone waited for someone else, no one would get the medicine and we'll all die!"

Hijikata paused and noticed all the villagers staring at him, waiting eagerly for him to pull out the sword himself.

"What? Why you all looking at me? _I'm_ not gonna do it. I'm the Village Elder. We can't keep going with this diffusion of responsibility. Someone go get the medicine! _Someone!_ "

Without warning, a brilliant white light flashed before him, signalling the birth of the Chosen One. Hijikata shielded his eyes and squinted in the blinding light to see who could have drawn the sword.

A blade flew towards him, the glowing blade of the Beckoning Sword itself, aiming straight for his throat. Hijikata let out a cry of shock and ducked for cover.

When the light dimmed down, Hijikata saw that the hero of this story was a young man named Yoshihiko. Like every hero in a cliché fantasy story, he was a village boy— except this hero had rather villainous red eyes and an even more evil-looking smile.

"Oops. My hand slipped."

"You trying to kill me, Yoshihiko?! Stay in character!"

"I'd be out of character if I didn't try to kill you."

Yoshihiko charged at Hijikata and swung his sword. He chased him in circles around the stone.

"Cut!" Hijikata screamed. "Cut! _Cut!_ "

"I'm trying." Yoshihiko slashed at Hijikata. "Now if you would just stay still..."

"Not _me!_ Cut the filming!"

"Okay, cut!" The Author stepped into the film set and clapped her hands. "Good job, everyone. That scene was perfect."

Yoshihiko's actor pouted in disappointment at having failed his surprise attack.

"Who brought the stage props? A _real sword?!_ " Hijikata yelled in anger. "I could have died there!"

"But it's more realistic with a real sword," the Author explained. "And stories have more realism when they're more realistic."

Shinpachi the Set Assistant was busy in the background tidying the props used in the scene. He gathered up all the fake trees with branches made of plastic and leaves made of cloth.

"Director Author, where should we put all of these?"

"Ah, the fake trees? They could go over there." The Author pointed to the film set for the next scene

One of the thicker trees started moving by itself. It turned around to reveal a madao wearing expensive sunglasses, dressed in a tree costume. Madao the Tree stood waiting for instructions.

"You could go there too," said the Author, before moving on to direct the next scene.

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.***

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 **Scene 2**

 _Lights!_

 _Camera!_

 _Action!_

After having gathered a band of comrades for his quest, Yoshihiko the Chosen One traveled along a sunny path through the countryside. His quest was not only to find the medicine, but to find his father who had set out to find the medicine before him and never came back.

Like many novels in the fantasy/adventure genre, the hero's sidekicks consisted of a macho guy, a magical person, and a girl.

"Oi, do you really know where you're going?" said Murasaki the Girl.

Murasaki had puffy silver hair tied up into two pigtails. Her pet bird sat on her shoulder.

"Nope, I don't," said Yoshihiko the Chosen One without concern as he kept walking.

"Don't worry," said Merebu the Mage. "If we keep walking, we'll run into something eventually. It'd be a very boring story if we never found anything."

Merebu was a jolly old man who wore goggles over his eyes.

"Grrrr..." said Danjo the Macho Guy.

Danjo had vermillion hair and narrowed, tough-looking eyes.

They didn't travel for long when they saw a man standing by the side of the road.

"Oi, are you a bad guy?" Danjo the Macho Guy held up his umbrella, ready for battle.

The man stood behind a large basket of herbs. He was of average height and rather slim, dressed in an ordinary peasant's tunic that didn't stand out. He looked completely normal. Oh, and he also wore a paper bag over his head with two holes cut out for eyes.

"..." Yoshihiko the Chosen One stared at him, eyes hooded in annoyance. He looked not the slightest bit surprised.

The Paperbag Man turned his head and saw them. His eyes softened into a smile.

"My son~~!" the Paperbag Man called out in joy. "How long has it been? You've grown so big!"

"He's your _dad?!_ " Danjo the Macho Guy yelled in astonishment, having forgotten to stay in character.

Yoshihiko the Chosen One ignored both of them. He pointed to the basket of herbs and asked in a flat voice. "Is that the medicine?"

"Ah, yes it is." The Paperbag Man let out a nervous chuckle. "I found the medicine, but lost my way home, you see... And then I met a woman and fell in love with her. You can take the medicine, but I won't be going back to the village with you. I'm sorry, _my little fox_."

Murasaki the Girl started picking her nose. "We got the medicine... we found your dad... Then we're done the quest?"

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Yoshihiko the Chosen One shrugged. "Sayonara~."

He gave a wave and walked out of the scene.

 _The End._

 _._

 _ ** **Credits (in order of appearance)****_

Invisible person _as_ the Light and Dark stuff

Hijikata _as_ Village Elder Hijikata

Gintoki _as_ Villager Gintoki

Sougo _as_ Yoshihiko the Chosen One

Madao _as_ Tree

Paako _as_ Murasaki the Girl

Gengai _as_ Merebu the Mage

Kagura _as_ Danjo the Macho Guy

Paperbag Man _as_ Father

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"YO-SHI-KO!"

A booming voice echoed across the sky just as our travelers were about to part ways.

A Buddha appeared in the clouds, floating in a lotus position. The light shining from his baldness formed a halo around his head.

"Oi, Yoshihiko," Kagura elbowed Sougo in the shoulder. "That Buddha is calling you."

Sougo looked around but saw nothing. "What are you talking 'bout?"

The Buddha was invisible to sadists who had too many worldly desires.

Gintoki stared up at the Buddha with deadfish eyes. His eyes widened. The corners of his mouth started twitching when he recognized him.

"...Z-Zura... is that you?"

" _Ehhhh!_ But he's BALD!" Kagura screamed in horror.

"It's not bald, it's One-Punch Man!"

"I _knew_ it! That was a wig, was it?" said Gintoki. "You were wearing a wig all along..."

"Oi, did you take your monk disguise too seriously?" said Kagura. "You became a real monk and reached nirvana and became a Buddha, yes?"

" _Actually_... I was doing a campaign event to raise awareness for the Joui cause..." Katsura the Buddha lowered his eyes in regret. "So I stuck a hundred pieces of gum on my head, and it wouldn't come off!"

Gintoki stared at a booger on his finger with hooded eyes and flicked it away, already too far beyond disbelief to show it on his face.

"But back to the script..." Katsura cleared his throat. "YO-SHI-KO! You must go east! You may have found the medicine, but your quest is far from over! You must go to the Demon King's castle and defeat the source of the problem! Go east! Go east~~!"

"You got a map to that castle?" said Gintoki.

The Buddha's expression turned dark. "There is no map, for the path to the castle is paved with corpses*..."

 _[* according to the old lady who gave Griffith directions to the castle]_

"But you at least have the address, yes?" said Kagura. "I mean the castle doesn't move around*, does it?"

"There is no address, for the Demon King owns unregistered property. Now, off you go to the Demon King's castle! _Fly! Flyyy~!_ "

 _[* Howl doesn't rent his castle to demon kings]_

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.***

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Sougo and co. walked all afternoon, but there were no castles in sight.

Sougo slumped down under a tree by the side of the road. His fellow questers took a rest too.

"Why are we doing this just because some stupid Buddha told us to?" said Sougo. "Are you sure you guys weren't seeing things?"

"That Buddha was no illusion," said Gengai. "But I don't think he actually knows where the Demon King lives."

"Maybe we'll find the Demon King working part-time at a fast-food restaurant*," Gintoki suggested.

 _[* The devil is a part-timer]_

"Look! There's a McDonalds right there!" said Kagura in delight.

The iconic yellow "M" stood out from the browns and grays of the huts around it. The tiny village at the foot of the mountain had only a population of a few dozen, but the reach of this global fast-food enterprise stretched far and deep.

The band of travellers went to McDonalds.

The only other person in the restaurant was a woman who stood behind a cash register.

"Hi, how can I help you?" said the woman with a sweet smile.

The woman dressed in a pink kimono and kept her dark brown hair pinned up in a messy bun. She had a pretty face and an air of gracefulness about her. The name badge on her chest read: _Manager, Shimura Tae_.

The menu hanged above her with photos of the items. There were many options to choose from, but they all looked the same. They all looked like Dark Matter.

Kagura stared at the menu. "Can I have ten Big Macs, twelve Quarter-Pounders, six Filet-o-Fish—"

"Oi, we're not here for food!" Gintoki turned to Manager Tae with a serious expression. "Do you happen to have a colleague who's a Demon King?"

Manager Tae gave a polite smile. "Don't we all have a friend or colleague like that?"

Just then, a pimply teenager with buck teeth rushed out from the kitchen.

"Boss Lady, the deliveryman's like still not here. What do we do?" He furrowed his brows in worry.

"What's the matter?" said Gengai.

"Oh, it's just that a customer ordered a delivery." Tae waved it off like it wasn't a big deal. "But we don't have anyone who could deliver it."

"We could deliver it if it's not too far away," said Gintoki, picking his nose.

A bright smile appeared on Tae's face. "Could you really?"

She showed the band of travellers outside. They passed by an ornate palanquin sitting by the door.

Tae pointed up.

"The customer lives right there," said Tae with a sweet smile on her face.

The four travellers raised their heads.

The mountain towered over them. Its peak was so high that it was shrouded by clouds. The wind whistled.

" _Oi!_ How the hell are we supposed to climb that?!" Gintoki screamed at her.

"Is he a hermit, or something?" said Kagura. "What are we even delivering?"

"He's a mountain god," said Tae like it was completely normal. "He wanted to have a young woman for dinner."

She glanced over to the palanquin.

"What?! You're sending a human sacrifice?!" Gintoki screamed in disbelief.

"She'll become his _Shinki_."

"No way! I'm not participating in your backward practices!"

"It's alright," a voice came from the palanquin. It sounded, not like a woman at all, but like a man. "If I could be of use to this village, then I don't mind becoming a sacrifice."

A sadistic smile stretched across Sougo's face. "We'll do it. We'll sacrifice her to the mountain god. You can count on us."

Each of the four travellers carried one corner of the palanquin.

"Damn, you're heavy..." Sougo muttered as they trudged forward towards the mountain.

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.***

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The four travellers walked along a mountain path, carrying the palanquin on their shoulders.

Just moments ago, they were at the base of the mountain. They had only taken a few steps but they were already close to their destination at the top of the mountain.

"Oi, how did we get here all of a sudden?" said Kagura. "Did we teleport?"

"The Author's probably too lazy to write about what we did along the way," said Gintoki in a bored voice. "And the Readers don't care."

One of the bushes by the side of the path started quivering. A koala in a suit popped out from the foliage.

"I am the Evil Koala, and I'm here to attack you with my godly author powers! Muhahahaha!"

They all stared at the Author, not the slightest bit afraid of her godly powers.

"Author-san~, aren't you supposed to be directing this?" said Sougo. "If you're not gonna do your job, I'm not gonna do mine."

"Yeah, go away, you self-insert character," said Kagura with a pout. "What can you even do to us?"

"I don't think she's allowed to use her author powers to do anything she wants," said Gengai. "The laws of good storytelling ain't gonna let her."

"Just let us finish our work," said Gintoki with a bored look. "Don't drag this chapter longer than it already is."

The four of them walked past her and continued along.

"Wait! I'm trying to create some conflict for the story!" The Author waved her arms for attention. "Come back! Come back!"

They all ignored her, leaving her feeling like a rather incompetent self-insert character for not being able to get everyone in the story to listen to her.

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.***

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Sougo and his fellow travellers stood in front of a rundown shrine. They laid down the palanquin by the entrance.

The sky had turned magenta, growing dimmer as the sun sank beneath the trees. A chilly wind blew past, rustling the leaves of the surrounding forest.

The damp air smelled musky from the rotting wood. Ragged strips of paper hanged from the _torii_ – the traditional gate of the shrine. The mountain god's house was nothing but a wooden hut with the roof caved in and parts of the walls already collapsed. This god lived in poverty, unlike the ones who lived in fancier shrines. There was a large amount of socioeconomic inequality among Shinto deities.

"Hey, mountain god, are you home?" Sougo called out to the silence. "We brought food~!"

" _FOOD? I'M STARVING..._ " a deep booming voice came from within the shrine. " _LET ME SEE HER._ "

Gintoki pulled open the curtains of the palanquin with a dispassionate look on his face. A "woman" stepped out.

The human sacrifice dressed in a kimono covered in pig patterns and wore her black hair in two braids. The fat jiggled on her belly. She looked like she ate too much McDonalds... or mayonnaise.

"My name's Tenko," said the overweight female version of Hijikata. "I've come as a sacrifice."

Sougo pushed her forward to the mountain god. "You can have roast pig for dinner now. Enjoy~!"

" _WHAT?! NO! I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING LIKE THIS. I WANT A REFUND!_ "

"You don't want roast pig?" Sougo tilted his head with round innocent eyes. "How about pork-bone soup, or pork kebabs, or barbequed pork ribs?"

" _NO! TAKE HER AWAY! YOU PEOPLE AT MCDONALDS ALWAYS MESS UP MY ORDER. NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO BURGER KING!_ "

"Oi, if you got a complaint, go talk to the manager," said Gintoki as he picked his nose. "We're just deliverymen."

" _OK, FINE._ " The mountain god paused. " _BUT BEFORE YOU GO, YOU SEE THAT TREE BEHIND YOU?_ "

They all looked back.

A tree stood by the side of the path. It had only two branches, one on each side, which ended in hands holding onto twigs. The trunk was thicker than most of the other trees and appeared to be made of fabric. The face of a madao stuck out from a hole cut into the fabric. The tree was wearing sunglasses.

" _CAN YOU GET ME THOSE SUNGLASSES? I HAVE A FRIEND WHO NEEDS THEM_."

The tree gulped nervously as two of the travellers approached it, emitting the same evil aura.

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.***

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For eons, the Light and Dark had been the bitterest of enemies. All it took was a single act of goodwill from the unlikeliest of sources, _a madao_ , to end an endless battle.

 _(Madao: What goodwill? Give it back! It's mine!)_

The Darkness no longer hated the Light for it had sunglasses, and the Light no longer hated the Darkness because the Darkness no longer hated the Light.

At last, the universe was at peace... and the Author could finally start studying for her exams.

 _The End._

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 _.***_

 _._

 _Next time:_ The prelude to a serious arc, the calm before the storm. The Shinsengumi are at a crime scene, but Kondo is busy elsewhere...


	8. Lesson 6

Lesson 6 - Don't feed the animals

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It was a sunny afternoon at the O-Edo Zoo.

I was taking a walk through the koala exhibit , still dressed in my black suit and tie. My koala friends were all taking their naps high up in the eucalyptus trees. I've always wanted to learn how to climb trees, but I'm a ground koala. I wasn't supposed to spend my time doing things I wasn't meant to do. How I envied the other koalas, allowed to climb their trees to their hearts' content while I watched them.

The leaves crunched beneath my feet as I strolled through the forest, pondering new ways to ̶t̶o̶r̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ _write about_ the characters. I was so lost in thought that before I knew it, I had reached the edge of the enclosure.

Tae was leaning against the railing trying to spot some koalas. She blinked when she saw me and stared at me as if this was her first time seeing a koala in a suit. As usual, she was dressed in a pink yukata with patterns of flowers on it, and kept her dark brown hair tied up.

Her friend stood behind her, dressed in masculine attire consisting of a long white coat over a blue kimono. Kyuubei had an eye patch over the left eye and black hair in a ponytail.

"Look Kyuu-chan." Tae pointed to me with a sweet smile. "There's a koala pretending to be human."

"If I may correct you," I told her. "I'm actually a human pretending to be a koala."

A blush appeared on Kyuubei's cheeks. "It's... It's _cute_."

"Maybe it's hungry."

Tae took out a lunchbox. She picked out a piece of the fried eggs that she had prepared. She leaned forward and reached towards me, holding the food in her hand.

"Here koaly koaly." Tae smiled until her eyes squinted shut.

A shapeless black mass sat on her palm.

I sniffed at it with my big koala nose. As a koala, I had a very good sense of smell.

It smelled bad. It smelled so bad that trying to describe it any further would make me puke. But perhaps it was like stinky tofu or blue cheese. It smelled bad but maybe it tasted okay. I've never tried dark matter before.

I, being one to always try new things, accepted the offering. I stuffed it under the koala mask that I wore over my head.

I took a bite.

Awdjnefde wrkbdj ewadbaefd rw gwrfbkj edfdbkw deg wrsdvg esdsfvgeh. Uyij qwds yjr yhrt gfvgbretgt rhteg ehgnet. Rsg tewrsdfg tetqawd htruj ndtge brwsfgrwrsf. Aqefs eqteraedw uykjhbfc wrefdrwh ka aedgdgr lemon lemon lemon. Rwsdgr htwsg qd tryhwr dwvg blood gore death. Aserfdawee tehdgf qe vfrw rwv.

 _Darkness._

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.***

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A/N: Due to the ingestion of dark matter, the Author will be on sick leave for the rest of the chapter. Since this chapter is unfinished, we will be releasing it in its planning stages. Please excuse the rough writing and the lack of detail.

– (*O*)

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.***

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Zookeepers run around with tranquilizer guns and nets. Looking for gorilla who escaped its cage, evacuating zoo visitors.

Bushes rustle when Tae walks past. Kondo leaps out of the bush.

Kondo: Otae-chan! (throws himself at her feet) Please pair with me!

Tae stomps on Kondo, looks down at him with a dark smile on her face. Blood flows down Kondo's forehead.

Tae: Oh, I'm sorry (covers dainty smile with hand, doesn't look sorry) I'm already partners with Kyuu-chan.

Entangles fingers with Kyuubei's hand and leans head against Kyuubei's shoulder. Tae didn't see the perverted smile on Kyuubei's face and flushed cheeks and flared nostrils.

Zookeepers capture Kondo in a net and drag Kondo away.

Kondo: Otae-chan... (reaches out desperately to her)

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.***

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Kondo is kneeling in a cage, holding onto the iron bars. Wavy tears stream down his face.

Sign in front of the cage says: _Western Lowland Gorilla (Scientific name: Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla), critically endangered._

Zoo visitors walk past like nothing's wrong.

Hijikata stands in front of the cage with his hands in his pockets. Stares down at Kondo with hooded eyes. Smoke is rising from the cigarette hanging from his mouth.

Kondo looks up with hopeful teary eyes.

Hijikata turns and speaks to the zookeepers, secretly hands them envelope full of money as bribe.

Hijikata leads Kondo out of the zoo. Kondo stares at his feet in shame as Hijikata gives him a stern lecture about how he's supposed to be at a crime scene right now and he should act like a better role model for his men.

Yamazaki is waiting in a Shinsengumi police car at the zoo entrance. Hijikata opens the door for Kondo. Kondo sits in the back and Hijikata in the seat beside the driver as Yamazaki drives away.

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.***

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Hijikata and Kondo enter a room at an inn. A murder happened there. Shinsengumi policemen are looking for evidence at the crime scene.

Sougo is crouching on the floor looking through a magnifying glass at an ant. He's pointing the magnifying glass such that the convex lens causes the sunlight to converge and burn the ant. Sadistic smile.

The place where the corpse used to be is outlined with chalk. The victim, a senior government official named Anenokoji Anemone, died slumped against the wall.

Hijikata lights a cigarette.

Sougo glances over to him.

Sougo: Hijikata-san~, you picked up your smoking habits again? Didn't you quit back in Kyoto? Someone with so little discipline shouldn't be our Vice-Commander.

Hijikata: (glares at Sougo, annoyed) You're not the one to lecture me on discipline.

Kondo: (smiles nervously) Now, now, let's not fight when we're on duty. What do we already know about the murder?

Sougo blows a raspberry at Hijikata. Hijikata is irritated, but decides to be the mature one. Takes a deep breath and ignores him.

Hijikata: The victim is a senior government official named Anenokoji Anenome... Anenomone... Anenomonomone _— Gahhhh!_

Kondo: Who could have murdered him? The jouishishi?

Sougo: (shakes his head without taking his eyes off the corpse outline, serious expression) I don't think they were the ones who killed Anenokoji Anenfsnbvfksfdvg.

Hijikata: (yells at Sougo) You're not even _trying_! But yeah, it's probably not them. There were rumors that this guy was making secret deals with the terrorists. He was working against the Amanto just like the jouishishi.

Hijikata looks around. He squints at the scene he's in. He rubs his eyes and squints harder.

Hijikata: (turns to camera) Stupid Author, describe the scene properly, dammit! Don't go around making excuses for bad writing just 'cause you're lazy.

Kondo: Now now, don't call Author-sensei lazy. She's only doing this to save up for the big-budget serious arc coming next. It's better to save a bit before spending, instead of running out of funds in the middle when we go over budget.

Hijikata: What budget?! We're not in an anime. No one's getting paid for this! How are we supposed to solve the crime if we don't get any details?!

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.***

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A katana* covered in blood is lying on the ground near the corpse outline

Label on the sword says:

 _If found, please return to Tanaka Kohei._

 _Phone Number: 666-666-6666_

 _Address: 666 666th Street, Edo, Unit 666A_

 _[* Anenokoji was a real person in history who was assassinated by a manslayer named Tanaka Shinbei. In real life, the assassin left his sword behind, which resulted in his capture.]_

Hijikata: (shrugs and heads to the door) Well, that was easy. Case closed— (freezes and looks back) Wait... _Tanaka Kohei?_ That name sounds familiar... (turns pale) H-He... He's supposed to be dead, right?

Sougo: Yup, we executed him last year. Did you forget?

Hijikata: (trembling) B-But how could the killer be a dead man... a _g-g-g-ghost?_

Kondo: (laughing reassuringly) Just because it's his sword doesn't mean he used it. Someone else must have used this sword to make it look like a dead person did it.

An officer from the forensics team comes over and reports that the fingerprints found all over the crime scene matched Tanaka Kohei's. Kondo's smile disappears.

Kondo: A g-g-g-ghost!

Sougo: (stares at sword as if there's nothing wrong, with a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes) He must have been brought back from the dead.

Door opens and new characters come in before anyone could say anything

.

.***

.

Two Amanto step into the room. They are Melissan (same race as Alpacasio). The one in front (with yellow antennae) is named Vespario, the one following him (with black antennae) is his right-hand-man Cassero. Beam Sabers are at their waists.

Vespario: (serious expression, an air of authority) Humans have a tendency to turn to the supernatural to explain what they could not figure out with the facts at hand. This case has been reassigned to the Melissan Space Patrol and is no longer of your concern.

 _Vespario – Middle-aged, cold stony face, tall, imposing presence, yellow antennae on both sides of his head, wearing fedora hat, dressed in long yellow and black jacket with a black mantle flowing behind him_

 _Cassero – Similar age as Vespario, shorter smaller build, jagged scar over lip, black antennae, dark green hair in well-groomed slicked-back hairstyle, simple yellow and black jacket_

Vespario holds out his hand to Kondo.

Vespario: (flat, deadpan voice) Vespario Drakanator, Captain of the 44th Fleet of the Melissan Space Patrol. I look forward to working with you, Mr. Kondo.

Kondo shakes his hand, still not sure who he is.

.

.***

.

 **Alpaca-san's Travelogue**

Today was a great day :D

Dad was at work so I got to go out and play. Dad is very strict.

I went to the zoo!

A gorilla escaped when I was there. He chased after an amazon. The police took the gorilla away.

My friend Baka— I mean Hata— once told me that the Earth is home to many creatures, but they all call themselves human. I met two of them today. I wish I can meet them all!

I will now rub my booger on a tree.

Humans are awesome!

.

.***

.

 _Next time:_ The serious arc begins!


	9. Hamu Arc - Lesson 7

**[Hamu Arc] Lesson 7 - Villains are people, not punching bags**

.

The noonday sun glared down on the parched earth and the stagnant air felt suffocating. It was a sweltering midsummer day.

The Shinsengumi stood in salute, shoulders squared and back straight, as rays of heat bore down against their necks. They formed two neat rows across the courtyard along a path that led from the front gates to the main building. The soot on their faces and their singed hair were the result of a certain Vice-Commander firing a bazooka at them to get their obedience.

Kondo sat cross-legged on the deck of the main building, staring at the gates with a friendly smile on his face, and Hijikata sat behind him. They dressed in clean uniforms, ready to receive an important guest.

Their new Overseer should have arrived already. The officers stood waiting. Not a single man relaxed his guard or stood out of line. The visitor could arrive at any moment and they needed to give him a good first impression.

The minutes ticked by and the heat became almost unbearable.

Finally, the metal gates swung open.

A small army of a dozen Amanto soldiers waited beside an ornate government car. They all had black antennae sticking out from both sides of their heads and wore their green hair in the same slicked-back hairstyle. Their uniforms consisted of a yellow military jackets accented with black stripes, and they each carried light saber rip-offs at their waists that they called Beam Sabers.

The door of the car opened. Matsudaira stepped out. The Head of the National Police dragged a young Amanto out of the car by the collar of his jacket.

The Amanto had a scowl on his plump face as he tried to free himself from Matsudaira's grip. His hair, the color of puke, was slicked back like the ones around him, but he had yellow antennae.

Matsudaira escorted the Amanto to the gates with a gun to his back. The Shinsengumi watched as the man they were supposed to call Overseer Hambertio struggle like an animal being led to slaughter. They tried to keep a solemn face, but it only got harder.

"I got _golden balls!_ See, _golden balls!_ " Hambertio pointed to the round things at the tips of his antennae. "So stop treating me like those black-balled foot soldiers. I shouldn't even be in this pigsty!"

"A pig belongs in a pigsty," said Matsudaira, not even trying to hide his annoyance. "Now get in there, little piggy. Be a good boy like your daddy wanted and try not to get yourself killed."

With a kick to the butt, Matsudaira shoved Hambertio into the Headquarters. The Amanto underlings filed in and closed the gates behind them.

Kondo made his way to Hambertio with warm eyes and an open smile.

"Hamu-sensei*, you must have had a rough journey," said Kondo. "Don't be afraid to ask us anything. Just treat me and everyone here as your own men. With your guidance, I'm sure we can do great things for this city."

 _[* hamu means ham]_

Hambertio ignored Kondo's welcome. He looked around and wrinkled his nose as if something stank.

The Shinsengumi remained in their positions and tried not to stare at him.

Hambertio had an upturned nose and small beady eyes. His jacket stretched tight around his potbelly. He wasn't what most people considered good-looking, but it was his scowl that made him ugly.

"What are you looking at, _humans?_ "

The Shinsengumi policemen glanced away, avoiding eye-contact.

One of them caught Hambertio's attention. A young man with sandy brown hair who was a head shorter than the others.

Sougo stood at the end of the row closest to the main building. His face was clammy from standing too long under the sun, but he kept still, staring straight ahead like a bored statue. He swayed a little as if about to collapse from the heat.

A mean grin stretched on Hambertio's face. He walked over to Sougo and looked down at him. He sneered at his skinny arms.

"What's a weakling like you doing pretending to be a policeman? No wonder this city's infested with crime."

Sougo glanced up with hooded eyes, glazed over from both heatstroke and boredom. He balled the hand behind his back into a fist.

Kondo stepped between them with a bead of sweat on his forehead. He placed a hand on Hambertio's shoulder and gave a nervous smile. "Now, now, Hamu-sensei, you don't have to worry about him. Let's head inside."

Hambertio's mouth twisted in revulsion as he narrowed his eyes at Kondo's hand. "Keep your dirty hands off me, you hairy gorilla."

Hijikata shot a menacing glare at him, but Kondo only raised his head back to let out a hearty laugh. He wiped a tear from his eye.

"You're right." Kondo sniffled. "I should have washed my hands after I—"

"You don't have to tell him!" Hijikata yelled, face red in humiliation.

Kondo tried to clean his hands by wiping them on his jacket.

"Hamu-sensei, let me show you around our headquarters," said Kondo with a friendly smile.

Hambertio looked around in distaste. "Are the training halls even air-conditioned in this pigsty?"

Kondo gave a nervous laugh. "Of course, of course."

Hijikata gave a stern look to the Shinsengumi officers. A few of them got the message and rushed off to install the air-conditioning.

Kondo invited the Hambertio into the main building. Hambertio gave a grunt and went inside. His entourage of black-balled soldiers trailed behind him in silence with heads bowed in submission.

Hijikata glanced back at the Shinsengumi, still standing in salute. He motioned with a tilt of his head for them to disperse before following Kondo inside.

Sougo relaxed as he let out a deep breath. He staggered over to the porch and flopped down under the shade.

He chugged down an entire bottle of water. His eyes opened wide at the last mouthful. He lurched forward and spit it out, coughing violently as he almost choked on it. With a crunch, he crushed the empty bottle in his fist.

Yamazaki rushed over.

"Captain Okita, are you okay?" said Yamazaki, brows furrowed in concern. His eyes were still a little puffy, but he seemed to have gotten over his love sickness.

Sougo let out one more cough before turning his gaze to the main building.

He stared at it with a dark look in his eyes. "Cliché villains like him never live for long."

"Who is he?"

Sougo shrugged and gave a nonchalant smile. "Some idiot who thinks he could order everyone around like his dad could."

.

.***

.

 _ **Flashback: A few days ago**_

Kondo sat cross-legged on the floor of his office, chest puffed out as he tried to put on a brave face despite the sweat dripping down his forehead. Hijikata and Sougo sat behind him, invited to the meeting.

Matsudaira's cigar bobbled up and down as he chewed it between clenched teeth. The Head of the National Police looked more like a yakuza kingpin than a civil servant. He had his gray hair slicked into a pompadour and stubbles on his chin. He dressed in a black longcoat.

Kondo clenched and relaxed his sweaty palms. Every time his boss came over, he'd risk getting shot. His mind raced to remember what he did wrong in the last few days that would result in his boss coming personally to the Shinsengumi Headquarters to meet him.

Matsudaira placed a photo in front of Kondo.

"His name is Hambertio Drakanator, son of an Amanto police captain."

Kondo stared at the face in the photo. The sneering young man looked like someone Matsudaira's daughter would date, thuggish and bloated like a punching bag.

Kondo sat up straight and saluted. "Hitman Gorilla 13 at your service!"

Sougo cocked his sniper rifle. "Hitman Sougo 13!"

Matsudaira reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his handgun.

The sound of gunfire rattled across the room. A bullet whizzed past Kondo's ear heading straight for Sougo. Sougo dodged it with a tilt of his head, still staring ahead with round unflustered eyes. The bullets had punched holes through the papery walls.

The other bullets lodged into the floor. Hijikata stared, face twitching, at the splintered floorboards just centimeters from his crotch. Sweat flowed down his forehead. "W-Why me?"

Matsudaira pointed his smoking gun at Kondo.

Kondo fell back, mouth twisted in horror as he tried to shield himself. "B-B-But isn't he—"

"Your new Overseer. You're supposed to _protect_ him from assassins, not assassinate him. If he dies under your watch, it won't be as simple as a bullet to your head."

Kondo stared at the gun with wary eyes. Matsudaira he twirled it with his fingers as he chuckled at the fear on Kondo's face.

"The Melissan Space Patrol wants to work with us on some joint operations, so they're sending one of them over to supervise the missions." Matsudaira paused. "At least that's what they say. He's nothing but a spoiled brat, so you just have to babysit him."

"T-The Melissan Space Patrol?" Kondo was sure he heard it somewhere before.

"Some Amanto from the Planet Melissa," Matsudaira explained. "They used to be a warrior clan as violent as the Yato, but they've settled down many years ago and became the galaxy's policemen."

Matsudaira put his gun back into his coat pocket. Kondo let out a sigh of relief.

"Pirates, rebels, World Destroyers, you name it. They're supposed to be fighting against them to protect governments and spaceships. It's like they're the guardians of the galaxy or something."

"So they're here for the Joui rebels?"

Matsudaira glared at Kondo like it was a stupid question. "With all those terrorist attacks and robberies on Amanto ships, they're bound to come here sooner or later."

"The city could always use more policemen." Kondo smiled. "It'll make the streets even safer."

Matsudaira shook his head. "They're calling it _cooperation between humans and Amanto to fight against crime_ , but they're just here to keep an eye on us. Try to look like you're doing something about those Joui extremists and not just stealing taxes."

He took one look at the Gorilla Commander's face and let out a long hopeless sigh. "You know how much work it took me to con the Meiji government into thinking you guys were still useful? At least make sure your men don't go starting fights with the Melissans."

"Don't worry about that," said Kondo with a reassuring smile. "We'll show them the Shinsengumi's hospitality. They'll feel right at home."

Matsudaira got up to leave.

"Just don't cause any trouble."

 _ **End of Flashback**_

.

.***

.

A dozen men had gathered around the porch to listen to Sougo's story.

Sougo glanced up at them with innocent eyes. "That's why if you wanna kill him, make sure he dies from falling off the stairs or getting hit on the head at a construction site. It needs to look like an accident."

Yamazaki stared at him with blue lines over his forehead. " _C-Captain Okita_..."

Sougo yawned and stretched his arms. He put on his eye mask. Hijikata was too busy being the Melissans' servant to bother him. This was a good time for a nap.

.

.***

.

 _Next time:_ A certain one-eyed villain makes his entrance.


	10. Hamu Arc - Lesson 8

**[Hamu Arc] Lesson 8 - Men with big egos have small Armstrong Cannons**

 _._

 _Clack!_

 _Clack!_

 _Clack!_

The lonely clacks of wooden swords echoed across the training hall. Most of the Shinsengumi policemen had gone out on their morning patrols, so the Headquarters were nearly empty.

Overseer Hambertio huffed in exhaustion as he swung his shinai, a bamboo practice sword, again and again at his opponent. Ever since arriving at the Shinsengumi Headquarters a few days ago, the Amanto practiced his sword every morning and every afternoon in this training hall.

Hambertio held his shinai with his pudgy hands and faced his sparring partner. Despite being an Amanto, this wasn't his first time practicing kendo. As the son of a Melissan police captain, he had to study sword styles from every culture in the galaxy. The Beam Saber was a sword after all.

His opponent, dressed in Shinsengumi uniform, blocked his clumsy attacks. Takeda Kannensai, Fifth Captain of the Shinsengumi, had a bulbous nose, oily black hair cropped to his shoulders and round glasses over his eyes.

Kannensai waved his shinai around in a complicated series of poses: a leap, a lunge and a pirouette. It looked like some weird form of ballet, but this was a legendary sword style passed down through the centuries from an ancient book. A true master swordsman would understand the meaning behind his moves.

"Male Female Darkness Light Fire Water Tiger Dragon Blast!" he called out his attack and charged at Hambertio, sword in the air.

Hambertio held up his sword and just stood, gaping like an idiot, too slow to react. Even with such slow reflexes, he managed to block Kannensai's ultimate move. All he had to do was stand still.

Kannensai fell to the ground in defeat. He reached out towards the light, groaning like a dying animal, even though he was never even hit.

"You're strong, _so_ _strong_ ," said Kannensai. "You might be the _strongest person_ I've ever fought!"

"R-Really?" Hambertio looked to Kannensai in surprise. He regained his composure. "Actually, I was _born_ stronger than everyone else. It's 'cause of my golden balls!"

Hijikata stepped into the training hall. He leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed, watching the ridiculous swordfight with hooded eyes.

"You run off and hide whenever we're in a real fight," said Hijikata glanced at Kannensai in annoyance. "Of course he's the strongest person you've ever fought."

Hambertio furrowed his brows at Kannensai in suspicion. "What? Didn't you say you defeated all those bad guys?"

"N-No! No! That was part of my _strategy_." Kannensai became flustered and stumbled over his words. "I'm only _pretending_ to run away to catch the enemy off guard. It's strategy! _Strategy!_ That's how I defeated all those rebels!"

"You won all your fights like _that_?" Hambertio laughed at Kannensai. "Only a coward would depend on something like strategy! _I_ would never run away from those weak little rebels."

Kannensai grimaced, his face boiling red, as the insult got under his thin skin.

"Some people fight with brawn and some fight with brains," he said in a voice shaking with anger. "A man as strong as you has no need for brains!"

Hambertio threw down his shinai. It clattered hard against the wooden floor of the training hall. "Shut up, coward! I'm thirsty! Get me some water!"

"You—!"

"You heard him, _coward_." Hijikata motioned with a tilt of his head. "Go get the water."

For a split second, Kannensai glared at Hijikata, but he quickly regained his façade of respect for his superior.

"Yes sir!" Kannensai gave a quick salute as he rushed past Hijikata.

Kannensai marched down the halls towards the cafeteria with the hardboiled face of a soldier, but inside, he fumed in anger at the Vice-Commander for ordering a great man like himself to fetch water like an errand boy, a _coward_. Only the late Advisor Itou understood his true value as the best strategist in the Shinsengumi— no, in all of Japan! But Itou was dead, executed for the foolish act of starting a rebellion, leaving behind no one intelligent enough to appreciate his talent.

As he poured the water from a kettle, a brilliant scheme materialized in his mind. He stared at the water sloshing in the cup and his lips curled into a proud smirk.

He glanced around with shifty narrowed eyes before reaching into his pocket to take out a small envelope. He poured the contents of the envelope into the cup of water, a white powder that became invisible when dissolved.

It was a slow acting poison that wouldn't kill right away. This way, no one would suspect him. The men who worked at the cafeteria would take the blame since Hambertio would collapse at lunchtime if he drank this now. That Amanto brat who called him a coward _deserved_ to die... and so did the Vice-Commander.

Kannensai grinned, revealing his crooked yellow teeth. He hurried back with the glass of water, pleased at himself for coming up with such a great plan. If he could eliminate the Overseer who everyone hated so much, it would be another one of his great accomplishments. Strategists usually worked behind-the-scenes, so their achievements always ended up hidden in the shadows, but he knew for sure that sooner or later, the entire universe would come to recognize him as a genius.

Hambertio waited for his drink at the training hall with brows furrowed in impatience. Hijikata stood beside him with an irritated look on his face as he'd rather be anywhere else but someone, either Kondo or that stupid Author, told him he had to be in this scene.

Kannensai knelt down at Hambertio's feet and held up the cup. He raised his eyes and smiled in anticipation as Hambertio took the offering.

Hambertio stared into the water. He narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brows.

Kannensai's smile disappeared. He held his breath. _Could he tell? There's no way he could know it was poisoned. There was just no way..._

His mind raced for an excuse in case he got caught. He needed someone to blame.

"I said I wanted _cold_ water!" Hambertio snapped. " _You call this cold?!_ "

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, the Hambertio threw the water all over Hijikata's uniform.

Kannensai let out a cry of surprise.

Hijikata's gaze drifted down to his dripping clothes. His face turned deep red like a volcano about to erupt. He glared at Hambertio with demonic eyes that should have sent chills down anyone's back... if they were paying attention.

"Do you not understand what _cold water_ means?!" Hambertio screamed at both of them, spraying spittle on their faces. "You humans can't do anything right!"

Hijikata gritted his teeth. His fingers twitched but he stopped himself from drawing his sword. It took everything he got to keep the blade in its sheath. How _badly_ he wanted to just forget about everything and cut down this asshole... but it wasn't only himself who would face the consequences. If anything happened to the son of an Amanto Police Captain, the entire Shinsengumi would receive punishment.

" _Don't worry about it._ " Hijikata spat out those words even though he wanted to say something much meaner.

He stomped outside with his uniform drenched in water, mouth twisted in disgust at the bitter taste those words left in his throat.

.

.***

.

Only a few days had passed since the Overseer arrived, but Hijikata had already reached the end of his patience.

He stood in the corner of the courtyard under a maple tree, swinging his sword through the air. Dark fumes bellowed out of his ears as he grinded his teeth in frustration. He didn't think he could last another day of attending to that Amanto brat's needs.

A red leaf drifted down in front of him. The blade of his katana sliced through the leaf in midair, splitting it in half across the middle. It looked like something only a master swordsman could pull off to show their skill, but if you really think about it, slicing through a falling leaf wouldn't be that hard at all. It was easier than hitting a baseball with a bat. After all, the leaf moved much slower than a baseball.

Kondo stopped beside Hijikata and smiled.

"Toshi, you look tired. Would you like a day off?"

Hijikata kept swinging his sword. "I swear, if I don't end up cutting him down, someone else will."

"Now, now." Kondo gave him a pat on the back. "Keisuke said he could take care of him from now on so you don't have to worry about it anymore."

"How long is that Overseer brat planning to stay here anyways? All he does is complain."

Kondo chuckled. "He might not say the nicest things, but he's trying really hard to become a better policeman. He's got an honest heart."

Hijikata stared at Kondo with hooded eyes. His mouth curled up into a slight grin as he slid his sword back into its sheath. "Only you could see something good in a spoiled prick like him."

Before Kondo could reply, the man they were talking about appeared from around the corner. Hambertio and his entourage of black-balled Melissans made their way down the hallway in a flurry of black and yellow uniforms. They resembled a swarm of bees.

Kondo waved at Hambertio with a big stupid smile on his face. "Hamu-sensei! How's everything going?"

Hambertio stopped under the maple tree.

" _You!_ " He pointed at Kondo. "How do I say your name again?"

"It's Gori- I mean Kondo."

"Okay, Condom. Tell your underlings to stop sitting around. Father's got a mission for you."

He shoved a binder full of paper into Kondo's arms.

"Some rebels are planning to raid some warehouses at Port Curry Ham tonight," said Hambertio. "They're trying to steal some cargo that will get exported to some other planets."

"You mean Port Kurihamu*? My men and I could guard it in case they come," Kondo offered.

 _[* based on Kurihama, a real-life harbor located close to Edo/Tokyo]_

"Good. It's a weak joui group, so even humans shouldn't have a problem, right?"

"Don't worry. We won't let anything happen to the cargo." Kondo gave a reassuring smile.

Hambertio glared at him in distrust before turning to leave. "You better not fail, _or else_ —"

A tree root caught his foot. He lurched forward with a cry of shock and fell flat on his face.

"Hamu-sensei!" Kondo rushed over to help him up, while the black-balled Melissans just stood and watched with lackluster eyes. "Are you okay?"

Hambertio pushed Kondo away. He stomped over to the tree that dared to trip him and kicked at the trunk in fury. The tree didn't budge.

"Cut it down! Cut down this stupid tree and dig it up by the roots!"

Hijikata grimaced at him. A vein throbbed on his forehead.

"Of course!" Kondo smiled with endless patience. "We'll get it done right away."

.

.***

.

A gust of wind rippled across the dark waters of Port Kurihamu. The cold draft blew into one of the warehouses from the open garage door. It was chilly at night despite being warm during the day.

The Shinsengumi had stationed themselves inside the cavernous storage chamber to guard the towering stacks of metal crates that lined the walls. The lamp hanging from the ceiling swung back and forth in the breeze, causing the long shadows to sway and tilt.

Symbols on the sheetmetal warned of the danger of exploding if not handled with care, one of them being: _Do not place near open flames_. A few of the crates were open... and filled to the brim with Justaways.

The Justaways stared into emptiness with dull half-lidded eyes. They looked innocent, but each one was as dangerous as a hand-grenade.

Sougo lounged on top of a crate, aware of the fact that it was filled with explosives, but didn't seem to care. An important character like him didn't have to worry about dying from an explosion.

Yamazaki sat cross-legged on the floor beside him. He munched on a bun filled with red bean paste known as anpan. He had a whole plastic bag of it by his side.

"What are the Amanto doing with all those Justaways?" Hijikata looked around with wary eyes. "Are they in cahoots with that Joui factory* or something? They could bomb a whole city with these."

 _[* the Justaway factory that Gintoki worked in after he lost his memory in episode 32]_

"It's Gintama merchandise," said Kondo. "The report said the Zunboran otakus collect them."

Hijikata sighed in exasperation. "And you _believe_ that?! How could there be Gintama merchandise when we're _inside_ Gintama? You really need to stop believing everything people tell you."

Hijikata had lost count of all the times Kondo got in trouble for trusting people who shouldn't be trusted. If their Commander had one flaw, this was it.

He sighed and put a cigarette in his mouth. He had quit back in Kyoto and he knew he should really stop smoking, but... He clicked his mayonnaise bottle lighter.

"Hijikata-san~, can't you see we're surrounded by explosives?" said Sougo with a mean smirk. "You're putting all your men in danger for your own bad habits. You should step down as Vice-Commander."

Hijikata put away his lighter, feeling just a little guilty. He glanced to the side at Sougo and his eyes opened wide in horror.

Sougo knelt beside a campfire that he had started in the middle of the warehouse. He fed firewood to the growing flames like there was nothing wrong.

"What the hell are you doing,starting a _bonfire_ in a place like this?!"

"It's cold in here," said Sougo like the reason was obvious.

"But the _explosives!_ You're doing something _I-don't-know-how-many-times_ more dangerous than me!"

"Ahhh~ So warm~~" said Yamazaki as he held his hands near the flames with pleasure written all over his face.

The Shinsengumi policemen ignored Hijikata as they rushed over to gather around the fireside.

"Thank you, Leader," said an officer with a mole on his forehead.

"Our Commander Okita is so kind and considerate," said a man with swirly glasses. "To care about his men this much, he is truly a model samurai!"

"...zzz..." said an afro samurai.

Only Kondo could talk some sense into this room full of idiots. Hijikata turned to his Commander for support, only to find him curled up in a blanket by the fire, sucking his thumb and staring mesmerized by the dancing flames.

Sougo glance over at Hijikata. The orange shadows twisted and warped. His innocent face transformed into a grin filled with cruel satisfaction at having won everyone to his side.

" _You... you..._ " Hijikata stammered, lost for words.

He stomped his foot and cursed, before turning to walk outside.

" _Someday..._ "he muttered under his breath. "Someday, I swear I'll make that sadistic bastard commit seppuku... someday..."

.

.***

.

The smoke from the cigarette rose to the night sky as Hijikata strolled across the shipyard. The seawater, like a pool of ink, lapped against the side of the pier. A row of cubic warehouse buildings stood like a wall of brick and rusted metal, separated by an occasional alleyway.

Port Kurihamu, once a bustling harbor, had been abandoned after the Amanto came. The corpses of wooden ships rotted in the water, having lost their value in an age of flying ships made of glass and steel. It was here in the sky right above where he stood that the first Amanto ships arrived decades ago.

The moon and the flickering street lamps gleamed in the water. A faint glow at the edge of the dark sky came from the lights of distant skyscrapers. The night was silent, away from the bustle of the city. He could hear laughter from the building he came from. The Shinsengumi were making merry despite being on duty.

Hijikata shrugged. Usually he'd supervise them to make sure everyone stayed alert, but it should be alright to relax a bit this time. According to the report, the Joui group was started by a bunch of bored delinquents who had never fought in a battle before and thought it was cool to be rebels. Unlike the Kiheitai or the Anti-Foreigner Faction, they barely had any members or weapons. Three out of the ten squads of the Shinsengumi were more than enough to fight such a weak enemy. That was if they even dared to show their faces.

The sound of footsteps interrupted his thoughts. Hijikata raised his eyes.

Five ronin samurai stood in his way. They grimaced at Hijikata as they held their katana ready to attack.

Hijikata glanced back. A few more enemy swordsmen came behind him, surrounding him on all sides.

They looked way too muscular and battle-scarred to be the inexperienced group of rebels described by the report.

Hijikata grinned, cigarette clenched between his teeth, as he slid his blade out of its sheath. He fixed his demonic glare on his enemies.

"Looks like it's finally time for some action."

.

.***

.

A man stood on the roof of a warehouse, silhouetted by the full moon.

He wore bandages over his left eye, partly hidden under his long dark bangs. His purple yukata fluttered in the wind, decorated with patterns of golden butterflies.

His gaze remained fixated below as sipped smoke from his thin pipe. Like a god watching over the folly of mortals, he watched Hijikata slash his sword at the ronin samurai.

"I thought there'd be Amanto guarding this place, but it turns out there's only a pack of dogs."

His mouth stretched into an unsettling smile that resembled a wide gash across his face.

"I'll simply destroy everything."

.

.***

.

 _Next time:_ The start of an epic battle...


End file.
